I Can Believe Anything Provided it is Incredible

(OK Jendalyn, this is for you :)) I have been so busy lately that I've been horrible about keeping up with my blog. My life feels like I have been caught up in a rushing river and I am just trying to hang on to the raft and enjoy the ride. But at least I feel like I am floating instead of drowning, right? White water river rafting can be a huge rush! The rush part of the ride is definitely being with Raoul.

When I am with him it feels like this dream world. He is so thoughtful and respectful. He hasn't kissed me yet, although he sometimes hints that he would like to. We hold hands and that is about it. The other night when we were together I realized that for the first time I was with a guy who was more interested in me than he was in my body. We talk almost every night on the phone for hours. We talk a lot when we are together too. He has a great sense of humor and he always makes me laugh. He sings to me, edits my papers, listens to me, buys things for me, fixes all kinds of stuff for me, (my car, my computer, my cell phone, etc.) He is the most amazing person. Sometimes I feel like I have to touch him just to make sure he isn't a figment of my imagination.

I took a class from an amazing woman once. She had a lot to say about how to choose a spouse. She used a three degrees of glory model to explain it. (I highly recommend listening to the talk in this link) She said that we don't skip over levels in the three degrees of glory. It's impossible. You don't have someone who is telestial (the natural man, looking for immediate gratification and trying to fill their appetite, liers, cheaters, angry, violent, etc.) who suddenly becomes celestial, although they can make it appear that way. (I can vouch for that with the Phantom.) In order for a person to become celestial they first have to progress through the other levels. So that is why when you are looking for a spouse you need to look for someone who is solidly terrestrial. Because a terrestrial person isn't selfish and self-centered. They have learned to harness the natural man. A terrestrial person is obedient to the commandments, follows rules and has discipline and self-control. It is someone who pays bills on time, exercises, can delay gratification, etc. This kind of behavior creates a safety net. It can't be faked. And it is the building block to becoming celestial. Anyway, Raoul is solidly terrestrial.

But I still get soo scared. It is hard to believe that someone so amazing will really like me. When I am with him I am floating on a cloud, but when I am alone to think about it I go into a panic. I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't know how he could ever manage the chaos that comes with having five children. I don't want to get hurt. I don't think I'm good enough for him.

It is really painful when I panic like that because I like him so much and I want to flee from him at the same time. The only thing I know of to do at times like that is to pray. Then when I pray I am filled with peace. I don't know where things will end up for me and Raoul. But I know that for right now being with him is good. I keep getting that reassurance in my prayers.

Phantom

Life has more twists than a Soap Opera lately. I've been spending a lot of time with the guy who I went with to hear Elder Bednar speak. We shall call him Raoul. (I'm still not making any contact with Muscle Boy. Although he called and texted me after two weeks. I ignored him. It's the best thing.) Raoul is an amazing person. An exception to the post about guys over 30. As far as I can tell he doesn't have any major issues. And he is funny, smart, and talented. The other day he sat down at the piano and started playing all kinds of beautiful music by ear. He has only had one semester of piano lessons, but he can totally play. Not just plunking stuff out either, he plays with tons of depth and emotion in the music. And he sang to me while he played. He plays the guitar too. Guys with musical talent are so attractive! I think he likes me. It scares the living daylights out of me. I have been having major trauma over this. I can't even describe the depth of it. I'm talking about being physically sick because of my terror of getting into a relationship. If you knew what I've been through you would understand; but since you don't know, just imagine. To help me out, I've been listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I guess I am determined to fit my life into some kind of musical :). I am totally relating to Christine right now. I am haunted by the Phantom of my bad relationship with "he who shall not be named". And the Phantom is raging and plotting and furious because of this new guy in my life.

Phantom's lines:
Insolent boy
this slave of fashion
basking in your glory
Ignorant fool
this brave young suitor
sharing in my triumph!

My lines (speaking about the Phantom):
The angel of music sings song in my head. . .
Here in this room he calls me softly
somewhere inside, hiding
He's with me even now.
All around me
It frightens me. . .
The angel of music is very strict.

It frightens me. Over and over in my head I hear the music. It f r i g h t e n s me. My hands are cold, my face is white. I can't tell who is the hero and who is the phantom. All I know is the phantom. Raoul took some pictures of us together and emailed them to me. It triggered a huge panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a panic attack, but this felt like one. I couldn't sleep. I see those pictures and my mind starts to revolt. "Danger! Run away! Run away!" it screams, "Don't ever trust a man again!" I've put my emotional journey into a playlist and I will post it here. It is so much easier to express what I feel through music than with mere words. Each song on the playlist is significant. They have to go in the order that I put them in.

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try.
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye.
Help me say goodbye.

These words mean that I must let go of the past I had with Darkness. I must forgive and continue on with my life. I must have strength to try to love again. (SCARY! - the thought makes me feel like vomiting). I must let go of the memories, make peace with my past, quit crying silent tears, and live my life in the present. I must say goodbye to the Phantom.



Here is a random picture. Raoul took it when we went hiking this weekend. I love it.

I Know Why I Shouted For Joy

I had an amazingly awesome week! The highlight was definitely listening to Elder Bednar and his wife speak at a stake conference this weekend. Wow! It was one of those powerful, spirit-took-over-the-building experiences. I even got to shake his hand. Elder Bednar is totally cool. He is so down to earth and blunt about things. He said this was his only chance to speak to us so he didn't have time to beat around the bush. He talked about agency and said that it isn't free agency and we should never call it that and that the scriptures never refer to free agency. It is always "moral agency". He said that if we look up agency in the Oxford English Dictionary that traces how a word has changed over time and go back to 1830, we will find that the word "choice" was not a part of that definition. He said, "You might say that (Bruce R. Mconckie?) referred to free agency in his book in 1956, and I would say, yes, but this is not 1956, this is 2008 and we have more light and knowledge now. The gospel is line upon line, precept upon precept. The doctrine doesn't change, there is just more clarification. Moral agency is not freedom to do whatever you want. It never has been that. Moral agency is the freedom to follow the commandments and keep covenants. It has never been about anything more than that.

He talked about "personal commandments". Ones that are just for us that don't apply to everyone. He quoted a scripture that said when we are crowned with glory we will have commandments not a few. He said if we are keeping commandments with a begrudging heart we are not worthy of being crowned with glory. We need to keep commandments with a joyful heart. We need to be open to the whisperings of the spirit so that we hear the personal commandments because that is the way to joy. I decided in my heart that I would seek out Father's will and follow it with joy even if it meant a sacrifice on my part of what I think is a fun, good life. I don't want a fun good life at the expense of better things. I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do. Elder Bednar talked about how our will is really the only thing we can give to Christ. I want to give it fully.

He talked about the plan of salvation and he said that many people think that there were two plans presented, one was Satan's plan and the other was Christ's. He said that wasn't scripturally accurate. There was always only one plan and it was created and presented by Heavenly Father. Jesus said, here am I, send me. Then Lucifer said here am I send me, but with a big but. He said we often think that Satan's goal was to get all of us back to Heavenly Father but it wasn't. He said Satan never cared about the welfare of any of us. He was always only in it for himself. Jesus was willing to offer himself as an infinite and eternal sacrifice to atone for our sins so that we could have moral agency. But Lucifer wanted to do away with moral agency because without moral agency there would be no need for an atonement and Lucifer would get the Father's glory without having to do anything to earn it. Elder Bednar said it was the first something for nothing scam. He asked us to think of how gullible we are when it comes to such scams on earth. He said 1/3 of Father's children bought into the scam. Scams like that never work. They don't work financially, emotionally, interpersonally, physically. If we want something we have to pay the price to get it.

He talked about how some parents are so sold on the idea of free agency that they stand around with their hands up and say, "I hope my son chooses to go on a mission. But if he doesn't what can I do? I can't force him." But that is ridiculous. Those parents are in serious danger of losing their children. Because Lucifer certainly isn't standing by with his hands in the air hoping that we will choose evil. So if we are going to combat those forces that are working on us and our children, we need to work just as hard as Satan does to entice, encourage, motivate, nurture, guide, etc. them into the right path. We do not force or coerce, but we do everything good in our power to help direct out children in paths of righteousness.

He talked about how we are in hard times, but hard times are relative. They mean different things to different people in different places. He talked about a lesson on fasting that he heard given by a woman in Africa. It was in a country where people aren't starving but it is normal for them to be hungry. Often they only have one meal a day. So the woman giving the lesson said that fasting is not just going without food because they do that all the time. Fasting is choosing not to eat when you have food available to eat. So they would go for three days without eating in order to fast two meals and they would do it without batting an eye. And we think we are in troubled times. Elder Bednar said we are the wealthiest of the wealthy. Troubled times are relative he said. We think high gas prices are troubled times and we don't really know what troubled times are. He said that no matter what kind of troubled times we face we can make it in the strength of the Lord.

He talked about the strength of the Lord, similar to another talk I have heard from him. He said we need to pray for strength to overcome our trials. Saying, I would like this trial to be removed and if it is Thy will please remove it, but if it isn't Thy will to remove it give me strength to bear it. He said if we pray with that attitude amazing things will happen. He counseled us to search the Book of Mormon and find all the times it says "in the strength of the Lord".

He gave an apostolic blessing that said as we do what he asked us to do by searching out the times in the Book of Mormon that say "in the strength of the Lord", we will hear things we haven't heard before, we will see things we haven't seen before, we will understand things we haven't understood before. He blessed us that if we face troubled times that we will be given strength to overcome them and that we will have the knowledge and the confidence that God will be with us and strengthen us and give us the power to make it through these times. He blessed us with other things but I can't remember them right now. But it was a very powerful blessing. I had tears in my heart. It felt so personal and powerful. I was very grateful to be there. When Elder Holland spoke in our stake conference 5 years ago he said that an apostolic blessing has the same power as if he was individually putting his hands on the head of each member of the audience. I felt that from Elder Holland and I definitely felt that from Elder Bednar. I was so lucky to be there. I was planning on going to my friends birthday Prom with a guy friend of mine. At the last minute he told me that he was going to have to miss out on Elder Bednar speaking at his Saturday evening session of stake conference. When he told me about it I decided to skip out on the Prom and go to the stake conference with him instead. I am so glad I did. It was incredible. And to think. . . we almost both missed it. I hope my friend will forgive me for missing her prom.

Then another wonderful thing that happened this week is that I found a GREAT hairstylist. I've been searching for a good stylist for the past 6 years since my old one moved away. So I was super happy to find one that I am pretty sure I will love. It's a guy and I've never been to a guy stylist before but I am happily converted. He is way cool. And his dad is my favorite obgyn. So he is practically like family. He is even the same age as me. It's like destiny has brought us together. (Settle down, I'm not talking in a romantic way, he is happily married and I'm not attracted to him that way.)

The only bad thing of this week is that not much homework happened (again). I am going to be up at a very early hour tomorrow to finish some major assignments. Now I've put unnecessary strain and stress on myself by procrastinating. But I do pretty well under pressure so I am hoping it will all work out.

NutraSweet is Anything But Sweet

I went to a lecture today by a woman who was involved in researching NutraSweet many years ago. (She was hired by NutraSweet btw) She said what they found was that NutraSweet increased people's appetite and left them feeling unfilled. She compared that to things we do in our lives. We are just trying to get satisfaction but the way we seek for it ends up making us need more and feel less satisfied than before.

When she was talking I realized that was what happened to me last weekend. I had physical NutraSweet cuddling with muscle boy. It might have even started before that. I used to be pretty happy with my life until I started going to lots of parties. Then suddenly I was bombarded by all this loneliness. My appetite for having a man in my life grew, but the men I was spending time with left me feeling very unfulfilled. It could never make me fulfilled because what I was getting was artificial.

The speaker today told about trees in the desert in Arizona. Because water is scarce the roots of the trees have to search for water. There is water deep in the earth, but it is under a layer of hard rock-like material. So some trees spread their roots out vertically in order to find water near the surface. When a storm comes these trees are blown right over because their roots are shallow. Other trees send out a tap root that slowly makes it's way through the hard layer and on to the source of water below. These trees can withstand any storm because they are rooted so deeply. She compared the shallow roots to seeking valid.ation from others and the tap root that goes deep is like connecting with God and getting validation from Him.

It was a great talk. I've thought a lot about muscle boy lately. I decided I'm going to quit hanging out with him. I don't want NutraSweet in my life. I hate the stuff.

Ball of Confusion, Ball of Confusion That's What the World is Today

After all my talk about not dating I found myself in the arms of a man this weekend. Yup. You read right. Don't worry, I didn't kiss him. But I did let him hold me in his arms. A long time ago I posted about a guy who I was watching a movie with and all I could think about was being wrapped up in his big, strong arms. Same guy. It just goes to prove how powerful thoughts are. I think part of what brought this to pass was me thinking about it so much. And guess what? His arms are really big and strong. It felt so good to be held. I felt like I was home after a long, exhausting, difficult journey.

Except I wasn't.

Now I am trying to figure out what to do about it. I still intend to not date. And, btw, I wasn't dating this guy. We were just good friends. Somehow he snuck in under my radar. I've built a four-foot-thick concrete wall around myself and so I think I'm safe, but if someone manages to chink their way through and get in I am defenseless and vulnerable. That's kind of what happened. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was warding off all potential suitors just fine. I didn't know I had invited one into my stockade.

Undoing something is a lot harder than not doing it in the first place. Part of me wishes that things could work out between us. Being single is pretty lonely. But another part of me knows that I am not ready for a relationship, especially with this man. He evokes my "saving" tendencies like crazy. That is not a good sign for either one of us. I am still attracting messed up men. So I am stuck to mourn what I don't have and nurse the ache of a sore heart. It's just a feeling, right? I can handle it.

I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack this morning and "I'm Not That Girl" was like listening to my heart poured out in music and words. I listened to it over and over. (I just added it to my Playlist so you can listen to it too!) In my head it means something a little different than the original meaning. It helped me remember who I really am and how I don't want to compromise myself. Here are the applicable words for your benefit:

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

. . . .

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
. . .I'm not that girl

OK, Single Women Over 30 Aren't All That Either :(

I went to a party last night and I was amazed at the trashiness of the women. It was a costume party. Many people were totally appropriate, so this just applies to some. But man! There were girls there that I had to turn my head away from because I was so embarrassed for them. I'll describe one outfit for your benefit. Fishnet pantyhose. Shorts that could pass for underwear. Sleeveless top that shouted LOOK AT MY CLEAVAGE NOT MY FACE! I'm not sure what this particular girl was dressing up as. Maybe a prostitute? I don't know. If this was at some nightclub or something I would understand. But at a party for LDS people? Have we really lost our standards that much?!

Then there was the guy who dressed up as Marge Simpson in a bathrobe. Complete with a lifelike rubber version of a female chest which he kept flashing at people. I was almost more disgusted with the women who kept giggling about it and asking him to flash them than I was with him for wearing it. Come on ladies! We didn't go through centuries of equal rights struggles only to be objectified by ourselves!

If you think you have to put your body on display in order to get attention you are wrong. The attention you'll get will be from the wrong type of men. The raptor type men. I picture the scene from Jurassic Park where the dinosaur can only see it's prey if they move. Well, creepy guys are like that except they only see women who act like sex objects. If you dress modestly the creepy raptor guys won't even see you. And that's good. Because when you flaunt your stuff out there you've got all kinds of predators ready to use the heck out of you and destroy your life. Those type of guys are only interested in serving themselves and meeting their own needs. They CAN'T care about you because they don't see you as a person.

The good guys don't want a serious relationship with an object. Good guys are repulsed by immodesty. Seriously. You dress immodestly and you make yourself repulsive to the kind of guys who will really treat you well. The first example I can think of to illustrate this is my brother. He is an awesome, smart, funny, successful, handsome, good, kind person. One of the best people I know. If he saw a girl dressed like a slut he would look away. I know he would. So in effect, that girl just repulsed him. She repulsed the very kind of guy she could have a happy, fulfilling relationship with. (Yes, he is happily married already btw.)

As a side note, here is a little tip for any women who might be looking for a decent guy. If he has extremely high standards about women's looks he is probably into porn. Pornography uses tricks of the trade to make women look artificially beautiful. Men who watch it begin to believe that's how all women should look and they end up with unrealistic standards for beauty. So if you hear a guy saying some movie star is unattractive when most people think she is beautiful (or something like that) then put up a red flag. A big one. Same thing for a guy who obsesses over the way you look and wants you to look sexier in public.

So to tie this all up, even though I ranted on about how messed up single men over 30 were, I have come to face the fact that women aren't much better. When it comes down to it, all of us are just mortal people trying to make our way through life the best we can. We all get a little lost sometimes. For next week my goal is to be less judgmental.

I Love My Life

Joy, fun, happiness. That's what my life feels like lately. I got a blessing about 6 months ago that said the clouds that hang over me will begin to clear. Well, I'm seeing the sunshine now! I've been feeling progressively better for awhile. First I didn't feel quite so miserable, then I started to feel peaceful, now I am starting to feel truly happy most of the time. It's amazing.

I look back on what I used to feel like and I can't believe I made it through that. I can't believe horrible feelings could last so long. If someone would have told me going into it what it was going to be like I would have run away fast. Divorce is sheer torture.

But here is one thing I've learned. Life doesn't come at you bigger than you can handle. Things never got so hard that I couldn't bear it. Sometimes I was afraid they would. Sometimes it hurt so much that I didn't think I would make it, but I did. I handled it. I got stronger. I grew. I'm okay. And actually, taking everything into account, I am so grateful for what I've gone through. There is a part of me that would run towards it instead of away from it because of who I am now as a result. Because of all the tender mercies I've experienced. Because of the goodness in other people that I have witnessed. I never would have known the good without the bitter.

Tonight I was just sitting up late in the quiet of the house thinking about how much I love my life. I've got friends now! I told my mom today that I am less lonely now than I've been since before I got married. (Being married to my ex was even lonelier than being divorced ever has been.) I have a social life. I get to go to graduate school. I have the most amazing children. What more could I ask for? Not like everything is perfect, but a lot of things in my life are really, really good. I love it.

Single Guys Over the Age of 30 are Idiots!

I have never met a group of more needy, manipulative, insecure, self-centered, messed up men. For a while I thought I was missing out on something because I chose not to date, but now I realize not dating is one of the smartest things I've ever done for myself.

There is one thing Dr. Laura says that makes sense to me. I think that once a parent gets a divorce dating life ends until the children are out of the house. My kids have already had their world rocked hard enough. They lost their dad in many ways, I don't want them to lose their mom too. And I definitely don't want to become a statistic in the nearly 70% second marriage failure rate.

I have met a lot of single men lately, (most of them through this beautiful, guy-magnet girlfriend of mine) and I rarely end up with a positive experience.

The most recent was a guy who talked to me like I was the only woman in the world when I met him. He was good looking, seemed super nice, and had a successful career so I was intrigued by him. He sent me an email right after we met saying that he just wanted to talk to me all evening and he regretted being interrupted by my friends (my beautiful girlfriend being one of them) when they joined in the conversation. It was pretty obvious that he was interested in me. Then I wrote back to him and said that I don't date and I'm not looking for anyone. He wrote back and said basically, well then will you give me your friend's phone number? Sheesh! What kind of shallowness is that?

Another guy is someone who was far less forward. He was fun to talk to, but very shy in a group. We were getting to be pretty good friends, I thought. It was nothing romantic from what I could tell, but I was enjoying our friendship. I grew up surrounded by boys and I feel very at home having them as close friends. Then suddenly he quit texting or calling me and he didn't respond to my texts or calls. Finally when I asked him about it directly, he texted me and said that I said something that made him uncomfortable and he gets really ticked off when he can't be himself. What?! Our conversation that night had been simple small talk. I racked my brain but couldn't figure out what in the world I had said that would destroy our friendship. The next week we ran into each other and he was totally excited to see me. He hugged me and apologized saying that he was just really sensitive. He offered to take me out to dinner to make up for it. In my mind a red warning light was going off saying "Abuse Cycle! Abuse Cycle!" I think I'll exit this ride now.

And that's about how it's gone for me. If I add in my girl friend's experiences there would be many more pages to write about. Her experiences have been pretty negative too - her boyfriend who we discovered dirty dancing (and I mean really dirty) with another girl at a club, the guy who called her or texted her more times each day than I have fingers on my hand, the guy who acted interested, set up a date, then disappeared and quit answering texts or emails from her (still married?). My girlfriend doesn't quite see it like I do. She says she needs to meet people and she keeps right on dating. That's fine for her.

Some guys go around desperately looking for a plug to fill the hole in their heart. If one girl won't plug in they quickly move on to the next girl to see if she will work. I don't want to be a plug for an unstoppable leak.

Other guys surround themselves with women but never settle in with any of them. They put enough energy into relationships to keep their fans happy, but that's it. Those are the guys who have 500+ friends on facebook, and counting. How can you really feel special when you know you are one of 500? Wonder why that guy isn't married yet? Hmmm. . . no commitment issues there, no none at all.

Another guy I know of gets into serious relationships with any single female who will give him her phone number. He smooth talks his way into her heart and then strings her along for years, never intending to get serious. Come to find out he has several girls stringing along all at the same time, all believing they are the center of his life. He's never been married either.

Dating was agonizing enough when dating was the correct developmental stage of life. Dating now is sheer torture. So yeah, I'll be single for many years to come. And happy!

Justice Prevails!!!

Favorite quotes from my attorney:

"It offends the sensibilities of this court to ask us to believe that the Respondent (that's him) can't afford to pay child support but he can afford to take the children to Disneyland, go to Hawaii on his honeymoon, and spend two vacationing weeks in Ireland."

"The Respondent says he is living off his wife's income. We have the benefit of having his wife's divorce decree dated May 2008. In her financial declaration she claims that she is a student and she has no income. In addition to that, they began dating (read - living together) in December of 2007. You mean to tell me that he didn't have to pay anything for online dating sites, for new clothes, he never paid to take her out on dates, he didn't buy her a ring?" (notice the dates here. I didn't know about this little fact before. They got married two weeks after her divorce finalized. Wonder how long this relationship will last?)

"In the Respondent's reply to the contempt of court charges, he admits to his guilt, gives reasoning for it, says he stands by his decision, and says he would do it again. He seems to believe that what he thinks is more important than what this court has ordered."

"We are asking that the Respondent be put in jail for his contemptuous actions. If the Respondent doesn't want to comply with court orders, perhaps he needs some time to sit and think about it."


Favorite Quotes from the Judge:

Top Favorite Quote:
"The court sanctions the Respondent and orders that he spend five days in jail. Judgment is entered for the amounts requested by the Petitioner (that's me). (Plus he has to pay my attorney's fees!)"

"The written response by the Respondent contains many admissions against self interest"

"If you have no income, how are you eating, how are you buying clothes, how are you paying your bills?"

"If your family can pay for you to go on vacation and out to fancy restaurants why can't they help you pay your child support?"

"This court understands financial difficulties, what this court doesn't understand is a whole bunch of zeros for child support payments."

"The children cannot wear explanations, they can't eat excuses. If the Respondent eats, he must assist the children in eating. If the Respondent keeps warm, he must assist the children in keeping warm. If the Respondent has a place to live, he must assist the children in having a place to live."

"The Petitioner may seek attorney’s fees if either additional hearing is necessary. At the two other hearings that are scheduled, the Court will not accept explanations or excuses by the Respondent. The only thing the Court will accept is compliance with the court order."

Court Date - the only kind of date he'll ever have with me :)

I'm taking my ex back to court. He has committed a long list of (new) offenses that he needs to be held accountable for. It is a little nerve racking and a little invigorating. Regardless of what the judge decides I need to do this for myself and for my children. I don't believe in acting like a doormat. That, by the way, has nothing to do with forgiveness.

D&C 134:11 We believe that men should appeal to the civil law for redress of all wrongs and grievances, where personal abuse is inflicted or the right of property or character infringed, where such laws exist as will protect the same. . .

About That Music Experiment. . .

This hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. First of all, day two was my cleaning day. Now, I can't very well clean without my cleaning music, can I? I have a playlist of the most obnoxious, fun, cheesy, rock-out music that I always listen to while I clean. It just makes the cleaning go faster. So I had to make an exception for that. But after a while I noticed that I was more grumpy than usual. And my internal nagger was going crazy nagging me about following through with my music experiment. So I finally shut off my fun music and begrudgingly finished the rest of my cleaning to classical music. That darn nagger! She always gets her way. But I have to admit that cleaning to classical music was sort of fun.

Then a few days later I was driving home and I was just in the mood for blasting music. I never knew listening to music could be so addicting! I was totally "jones-ing" as we used to say in high school. So I decided to blast classical. It was the only thing I could think of. And you know, it was actually pretty cool. It reminded me of when I quit eating so much sugar and I could actually taste the flavor of the food I was eating. There was so much to listen to in the classical music that I never paid attention to before. And there is definitely an element of "rock out" in some classical music.

I gave a fhe lesson on music and used Jack Christianson's talk called Music: Apples or Onions It was awesome. It really gave my kids something to think about. They've been choosing much more uplifting music since then. That is no small miracle. So all in all, I think my experiment is going pretty well. I don't have intrusive lyrics going through my head anymore. I've been waking up happy every morning. (Side note - In one of my classes I learned that listening to classical music helps lift depression.) I'm going to keep up my experiment a while longer. I'll post about it again if anything interesting happens.

Life is Sweet!

We love canoing. It has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember. I have pictures of me sitting in a canoe as a little girl. I've been wishing for canoes I could use with my own children for a long time. My parents recently brought us two canoes so now I can take my children out! Hooray!

Grad School

I am loving being a grad student! Life feels different. I feel different. Nothing has really changed but everything has. I can't even explain it. I guess part of it is that it's so awesome to see one of my lifelong goals coming to fruition. Years ago, after doing a little research and realizing how hard it was to get into the program at the school I wanted to go to I felt like it would take a miracle for me to be admitted. If you knew what my high school grades were you would agree. I remember hoping and praying that somehow things would open up so that I could get in. And I felt that sweet, peaceful assurance that they would. It is so nice to be on this end of it and realize that those feelings weren't just my imagination. God really heard my prayers and helped me. My confidence and faith that He is real and that He will keep answering my prayers gets stronger all the time.

Woot! Woot!

I just found out I get better parking now that I am a grad student. Wahoo! (I'll post about day 2 of my music experiment later - no time now).

Day One of the Music Experiment

Wow! I can't believe it. I am already noticing big differences! This morning I woke up with a refrain from a song in my head again, but this time it was "God can heal the tender branches of this family tree". Yesterday morning it was "lose your inhibition, feel the rain on your face". It might not seem like a big deal, but waking up with the thought that God can heal my family was powerful and hopeful. Waking up with the thought that I should lose my inhibitions was not.

There are other differences I've already noticed too. Like, I just feel more like praying and reading my scriptures. I feel like the distance between me and heaven has gotten smaller. I am happier today. Maybe it is for different reasons but I don't think so.

Music

I have been waking up the last three mornings with a refrain from a song running through my head. It was a little alarming to me because these refrains were uninvited. I used to wake up with a phrase from the scriptures running through my head. During the day I catch myself singing songs almost unconsciously. When I stopped to think about it this morning I realized that these little refrains are programming my brain whether I like it or not. If I think the same thought 25 times a day it has to have some effect on me. I've noticed that the music I've been listening to has been invading my thoughts even when I don't want it to. Like when I am praying. Not good.

It's not like the music I listen to is bad. There really isn't anything wrong with it. It's just that that isn't what I want to be programmed with.

I used to listen to uplifting, spiritual music almost all the time. It was one thing that helped me get through hard times. I especially loved Mormon Tabernacle Choir's "Peace Like a River".

Oh my goodness, if you knew how many tears I cried listening to that cd! Listening to that kind of music definitely had an effect on me. It calmed me and inspired me. I felt good all day long.

Then I decided that I needed to be more "cool". (Dumb huh?) Instead of being happy with the me that I am, I have been moving closer and closer to that great and spacious building and all the beautiful people inside. Among other things, I started listening to the radio more often. I started finding other "cool" songs that I liked. OK, I don't want you to get me wrong. I'm not saying there is something wrong with listening to the radio or "cool" songs, but for me it just wasn't helping my life. Maybe it was more about my motivations. I really don't want to become TAMN! all materialistic, obsessed with her image, and self-absorbed.

The music I listen to programs my brain. I haven't been as happy lately. I haven't been as spiritual. I feel like there is more distance between me and my Father than there used to be. I don't like it. I like how I felt before.

So I am going to do an experiment. I am going to listen to only spiritual, uplifting music for a few weeks and see if I notice any changes.

In honor of my experiment I have posted a new playlist that mostly fits the requirements. Be careful listening to it though, there are a few tear-jerkers there. At least for me. Oh, and if you know of any great uplifting music please let me know!

Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

I usually don't get too lonely. But ironically, the more I am around other people the more lonely I feel. I think it's because sitting around talking about meaningless social chit-chat is just unfulfilling when what I really want is someone to share my heart and soul with.

The other thing is that usually I am perfectly happy living a celibate life. But sometimes I really miss being held in big, strong arms. Tonight I was hanging out with this guy and some other people. We are totally just friends, nothing else going on there. But when he sat down beside me it was like all these little electrical fuzzies spread out from my heart. I could hardly breathe. And all I could think about was how nice it would feel to be wrapped in his arms.

Sheesh! Disgusting!

Scary Things

Stepping out into the unknown has got to be one of the scariest parts of life. I worry about how I am going to be a mom and still get good grades. Sometimes I feel like I don't really fit in with all these young, cute, super-smart people. I wonder if I am really good enough to be in this program.

Today when I went to my graduate student orientation I realized that everyone else is having similar feelings. Even though my exact concerns are specific to my situation, I don't think my feelings are unique. The director of the school said today that when he got accepted to graduate school he kept wondering if they were going to realize they made a mistake and kick him out.

Here's how I deal with my fears. When I get scared and lose my guts to try new things, I just tell myself what I am going to say to my children or whomever someday. For example, I had to apply to get into the program as a bachelor's student. I was so scared that I wouldn't be accepted that I almost didn't apply. But instead of letting my fears take over I just told myself how amazed people were going to be after I am successful when I tell them that I almost didn't even apply to the program. I picture their faces of disbelief. I picture myself as a success. It is a really powerful fear blocker for me. I did the same thing when I applied to the graduate program.

And you know what? So far it seems like graduate school is going to be wonderful! Hard, but wonderful.

First Day Butterflies

This is just the way I felt the night before I started kindergarten. At least I imagine it is. . . .

What if the other kids don't like me? Will the teacher be mean? Did I choose the right outfit to wear tomorrow?

Wait! I haven't even chosen an outfit because I am a dirt poor single mom and I can't afford to buy any cute new outfits. Bah!

Well, I better get my beauty rest. Maybe my cuteness can overcome my deficiencies.

Echoes of Divinity

Dear Teachers of My Children,

My child will be in your class this year. I just want you to know that part of my heart will be in your class too. I am entrusting you with what is more valuable to me than anything else in this world. When I kiss and hug them goodbye and send them off to be with you, it is with a fervent prayer in my heart. I pray that you will love them. I pray that you will treat them kindly. I pray that you will see the good in them and be understanding of the bad. I pray that you will protect them from the cruelty of the other children. I pray that you will give them wise, tender care and attention. Please recognize and nurture their talents and their developing skills and abilities. They are so precious to me. I don't mean to overwhelm you. I know you have many cares and concerns of your own. If I could keep them with me, trust me, I would. But even though I can't be there all the time, I will help you and support you as best as I can. Because I love this child with all of my heart.

Sincerely,
A Loving Mother

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Loving Mother,

I understand how you feel. I feel the same way when I entrust my child to you, except I feel it perfectly.

Sincerely,
A Loving Heavenly Father

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these little ones." (Gordon B. Hinckley, address to the Salt Lake University 3rd Stake Conference, Nov. 3, 1996)

Soaking It In

I have a two week break until I start graduate school. I can tell you that I am not taking this time for granted. I've been going to the park and the library and on picnics with my little ones, I am cleaning my house, doing laundry, working in the yard, baking cookies, and every other domestic thing I can think of. Do you sahm's know how lucky you are? I didn't until I lost my stay-at-home status. I would gladly give up my bachelor's degree if I could be at home with my kids all day again. I'm not saying it is a glorious job. Motherhood is definitely not easy. Still, it is the most meaningful and rewarding thing I have ever done.

I feel like life has given me a clearer view on things. Kind of like a person who has just learned they are dying. When life robs you of what you took for granted before it changes your perspective. Priorities change. Little things like cleaning the house never seemed so special before. Having time to really scrub my bathrooms is like a luxury now - and I don't even like cleaning. I always loved doing mommy things with my kids, like reading books and finding sweet teaching moments throughout the day, but now I appreciate it more fully. Just being there when they come home from school makes me feel so happy. I don't want to waste a single minute I have with them. I want to soak in every cute little expression on their faces and burn the sound of their childish laughter into my memory forever.

So since I can't go back and teach my old self to appreciate what I had then, maybe someone else can learn from me. Happy bathroom scrubbing all you sahm's. I'll be thinking of you.

I Did It

I graduated today! And just so you know, it was every bit as good as I dreamed. And then some. What a great thing to do! I highly recommend it to everyone.

Foreseeing the Storms

A lot of people ask me why I went back to college. Especially if they don't know I'm divorced. I don't usually tell them the full story, but I think I will write it here.

About three years ago I was praying in my bedroom in a rare moment of quiet. In the middle of my prayer I was flooded with the impression that I should go back to school. I fought it at first because my children were still so young. I thought my priority should be raising my children. But in response to my resistance I got a very direct answer that was just as if someone had spoken to me. It said, "No, you need to go back to school now! And you need to take as many classes as you can. Go full time if you can." I remember the stunned feeling I had. Yet the answer was so strong I couldn't deny it.

Looking back, I should have been more suspicious about why I got that answer. My marriage had always been rocky but it wasn't in serious trouble at that point. I had consigned myself to believe that marriage was really, really hard and I was prepared to live with it. I didn't expect anything to change. I guess I was naive. I certainly didn't realize that I would get a divorce and need to support my family.

I started going to school within a month. I only took one class at a time at first. That was the best I could do then. It was about a year later that my marriage completely unraveled.

I had no idea what I was headed into, but God did. Because of His guidance I didn't have to try to figure out what to do. I was already on the right track before the tragedy struck. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to try to apply for school and get registered when my world was falling apart. I don't think I could have done it. Thank goodness I didn't have to.

Dreams Do Come True!

I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree next week! Can I just tell you how excited I am? Whenever I had hard tests to study for or huge papers to write, I would picture myself in my cap and gown to get myself through it. During those hard times I used to daydream about throwing my cap up into the air, and everyone cheering, and taking pictures in front of the university. Ahhh. . . those were good daydreams. Now it is finally here! I really did it!!

I guess it isn't going to be quite like I dreamed about since my kids won't be here (they’re still with their dad). But those dreams were mainly to get me through the hard times. I don't need them now. The feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment I have is so powerful that it overshadows the rest of the details. Hooray for me!

Misery

My kids are gone again for two weeks. I try to convince myself that I like the freedom. I try to have fun and be happy. But I just realized that I am doing what I always do when they are gone. I have no appetite and I can't sleep.

It isn't a conscious thing. I'm not sitting here worrying about them or feeling miserable. If I think about it though, I've got a knot in the pit of my stomach. But I guess I've just been ignoring that.

Feelings buried alive never die.

Well, I'm too tired tonight. "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow" - Scarlett O'Hara

The Magic is in Knowing Who You Are

I slipped off my shoes, my favorite shoes. I've worn them so much there are holes all the way through the insoles. I wriggled out of my cute dress, the one I got for 14.99 on sale - what a bargain! I hung up the slip I was wearing, the slip that was pink now instead of white because of that day I wore it with a red dress. I looked at my clothes hanging in the locker, loaded with reminders of everyday life.

Then I pulled on stretchy white knee highs and slid into a clean white slip that went to my ankles and a simple, flowing white dress. I've worn this dress more times than any other I own. I wore it the day I got married. I wore it when I was pregnant (I especially loved wearing it then). I've worn it on special occasions full of joy and on days when tears splattered onto the lap and sleeves of my dress until there were no more tears left to cry. This dress, filled with memories, doesn't hold a trace of everyday life.

Two sets of clothes. Two separate purposes. Today I got three compliments on my bargain dress. No one noticed my white dress. In my bargain dress I felt "cute". In my white dress I felt beautiful and divine and loved. When I wear my white dress my aches are comforted, my joys are heightened, my peace is beyond understanding.

It isn't the dress that does these things, it is the place and the purpose that I wear the dress for. Still, I can't help but make an association between the dress and the feelings. When I get done I wish I didn't have to put it away, but I won't let this dress mingle with ordinary life. I fold it up neatly and set it aside to wait for me until another day. Then I open my locker and put my holey shoes back on.

I never wanted to be Cinderella. I prefer a stronger image of femininity. But I realized that today I was like Cinderella in a good way. I went to the temple today. I went to meet The Prince. I couldn't go in my old rags. I had to change into the most beautiful dress of all. It was a very simple dress, but it was meant for a queen. That dress has made all the difference because it helped me understand my true worth. When I left the Palace I was wearing my old clothes, and no one who saw me knew who I really was. Only - a little of the glory stays with me, like Cinderella, who kept one glass slipper even though everything else turned back into rags. She was never the same again.

Outstanding Debts

If my ex and I had a good relationship, we would still be together. So it is no big surprise that things between us are still turbulent sometimes. Recently he pulled an extremely frustrating stunt. I wish I could say it didn't affect me. If I was stronger it wouldn't. But I was angry. It hurt our children and when it comes to them I am definitely a mama bear. For a few days I kept thinking "it just doesn't pay to be nice to this man. Forget it." Then I would think of all the cooperative things I do that I was now going to quit doing. I know, I was off track.

Two things finally helped me. One was just realizing that having two vindictive parents is worse for my children than having one vindictive parent. I don't want to get foggy about what is really important here. My children are innocent victims in this divorce. I don't need to be arming them for battle.

The second thing was the scripture that says, "vengeance is mine". Justice hates to have outstanding debts. When something unjust happens, justice is just there waiting (sometimes very patiently, but waiting nonetheless) to collect on the debt. But if I do something to get vengeance then justice figures that the debt has been paid and it lets the issue go. Justice is far better at collecting payment for injustice than I could ever be. I would much rather forgive and let it go and leave justice with an outstanding debt. Of course mercy could come along and pay the debt instead of justice. But I've been the beneficiary of mercy way too often to deny that to someone else, so either way it is a win/win situation for me.

Backbone

Today I was thinking about when I first separated from my husband. It was very traumatic. I remember feeling like my guts were going to fall out. One of the worst times was the first weekend that my husband took my children for his visitation. I am a mother of young children. My life up to that point had centered around them in many ways. I was rarely away from them. They were rarely away from me. Their father had never been very involved with them. I used to stress out about leaving them with him for even a few hours. So that first weekend was extremely difficult.

I tried to keep busy and not let the worry take over, but it was hard. I forced myself to go to our city festival so I didn't wallow in misery. I remember feeling like I was going to fall apart while I was there. I kept seeing all these happy, intact families and it was all I could do to fight back the tears. My children should have been there with me. I should have a sweetheart by my side. I wondered what I was even doing there. I wanted to run away from everyone and everything. My mind was screaming, "I can't make it through this!"

Just about then, in the depth of my loneliness and despair, I felt someone put their arm around my waist and comfort and strengthen me. I was so relieved to feel this strong arm against my back - but no one was there. At least I didn't see anyone. But the feeling I had helped me immensely. I stood up a little taller, the tears that were choking my throat dissipated, peace and calm filled my heart. I knew beyond any question that I was not alone. I knew that my Savior knew what I was going through. I knew that He would be my backbone when I felt like jello. And He was. I am amazed at how much I was able to deal with because of His help. The pain and the misery I went through never got beyond what I could handle. I learned I could handle a lot more than I thought I could. And each time I really needed help it came. After that I felt that arm around me a lot. I miss that feeling now. I guess I don't need it as much, but I still want it. I'm going to try to figure out how to get it back.

The heavy stuff always settles to the bottom

Today was just crazy. I can't believe so many things could go wrong in one day. Just getting all my children to church looking presentable was a challenge, but we did make it. Everyone even had shoes on. At church they all wanted to sit right on top of me. They fought about that until I began to feel like I was in the middle of a dog pile. Then as the sacrament hymn was playing our priests made the discovery that someone had forgotten to bring the bread. No joke.

So after the sacrament song ended instead of passing the sacrament we went straight to the youth speakers while someone went and got bread. When the bread arrived the priests prepared it in silence. I realized how changing things a bit makes you think of it on a deeper level. It was great to contemplate the meaning of the sacrament and the sacrifice of my Savior in the silence. I love the sacrament.

But I didn't have too long to contemplate because about then I looked at my daughter and she was writing messages on her leg in three inch letters. Aaaghh! My youngest child, who won the right to sit on my lap, just couldn't sit still. Especially during the songs. I was singing with my own special vibrato because this child kept knocking the air out of me. The people in front of me must have wondered why I kept belting out phrases every now and then.

After struggling through most of sacrament meeting my little one finally fell asleep on my lap at the end of the closing song. "Great! Now what am I going to do with him?" I thought. I was still sitting there thinking about my options when suddenly I felt something warm on my legs. NO! No wonder he couldn't sit still! He needed a potty break! So what is the best way to carry a sleeping child out of the building, hauling an armload of quiet books, all while hiding the fact that my dress has just been peed on? Somehow I made it out without attracting too much attention. I got the child bathed and changed my clothes and got back to church before the end of Sunday School. Phew! The rest of church wasn't too bad.

But then our home teachers came over. Normally this is the signal for my children to act like raving maniacs. I don't know why they choose to bestow this honor on our home teachers. If they did it for someone who knew us better it wouldn't be so bad. Our home teachers are elderly men (I have to have high priests for home teachers since I am single) who have raised their children and aren't used to dealing with children very often. They are awesome and I love them very much, so I'm not meaning to be critical of them, I am just extra sensitive about my children's behavior around them. I am probably creating some sort of horrid self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate those. Today's home teaching felt a lot like a three ring circus. I just kept thinking to myself, "Remember what is important here. How would Jesus see this? How would He respond to these children." I didn't come up with any brilliant ideas of how to handle the children, but at least I calmed myself down and kept a positive attitude. Maybe something will come to me later.

After the home teachers left I decided to take my children for a walk so they could burn off some of their energy. I still remember the rowdy wrestling matches that happened between my brothers nearly every Sunday because they were stuck inside all day. I wanted to avoid repeating that family tradition if possible.

On the walk I let my children talk me into going the long way instead of the short way. When we got to the place where we turn around to head back they wanted to play for a little while. They ran around and chased each other and then just when we were about to go back home, Addison somehow cut her toe and blood was dripping out everywhere. Of all the children for this to happen to she is the most dramatic. She screamed and cried like her toe had been cut off. I just knew the neighbors around were going to call 911. It wasn't that bad of a cut, but she couldn't very well walk home that way either. It needed to be cleaned up and bandaged.

So I picked her up in my arms and gathered the others and we started the trek home. It was far getting from home to where we were now, but suddenly it had become at least three times as far to get back home again. On top of that, when my youngest realized that someone else was getting carried and he had to walk, he promptly sat down by the side of the road and refused to go any further. Lauren offered to give him a piggy back ride but if mom couldn't carry him he was just going to sit by the side of the road forever. Addison was still crying in my arms (of course). I was thinking "why do I do this? I am not going on a Sunday walk alone with all these children again."

Suddenly I saw what looked very much like a knight in shining armor. My sixteen year old rode up on his bike. I put my daughter on the handle bars and sent them off ahead. Well, they didn't get very far ahead. They rode a few feet, stopped to readjust, rode a few more feet, stopped to readjust. Still it was going okay, Addison quit crying and was giggling. But then on the third readjustment, something went wrong. My son gave Addison a little push to help her get in a more upright position and Addison was already off balance and went face first right off the bike onto the pavement. Luckily she didn't get hurt from the fall off the handlebars. But the wailing started up again. So I took her in my arms again. By carrying her a ways and then stopping to encourage my stubborn, still crying, little four year old to come along we inched our way toward home.

As soon as Addison got hurt Savannah had taken off running for home to get help from our next door neighbors. She didn't walk, she ran - the whole way. She was just like an ambulance. I was so proud of her. We hadn't made it very far before she was back with help. Our awesome neighbors drove us safely home and all was well again. Really I was kind of glad for the accident. With the exception of the youngest, it brought out the best in my children. They were so sweet and loving and helpful to each other. It was nice to see their angelic side after the day we had today.

Teenagers

I just got done talking with my sixteen year old. He is such an amazing boy. You hear all the horror stories about teenagers and its pretty scary, especially as a single mother. But so far things are going pretty well. Tonight he was telling me about how much he felt the spirit when he was singing a hymn. We had a great discussion about our favorite hymns. He told me he was going to be more diligent about his scripture study and prayers. Yes! And I didn't even have to lecture or nag!

Blessing # 585,789

This spring I found out that I was accepted to my top choice graduate school. That was back at blessing # 555,201. The program is hard to get into. But with that hurdle crossed, I knew things would work out so that I could afford to go, I've just been waiting to find out how. Today I was notified that I have been awarded a full tuition scholarship for one year!!! This makes blessing #585,789, not counting all the blessings I forgot.

Grace

My kids are with their dad for the next two weeks. He gets them for four weeks all together during the summer. This time I get visitation with them, the next time I won't see them at all for the whole two weeks. That's so he can take them on vacation or something like that. I get two weeks without him having visitation so I can take them on vacation too. Anyway, last night was my mid-week visit with them. I get to take them for three hours - have dinner, play around a little, whatever.

One of the hardest things on kids going through a divorce is the transition from one parent to another. After my kids have been with their dad they are always more irritable, grumpy, whiny, cry more, and mostly - fight more. Last night when I was driving them back to meet their dad they started fighting really bad in the car. I tried all the things that normally work to stop fights but nothing was working. They were just getting more and more upset, loud, and angry. It was getting to the point that someone was going to get hurt. I had to do something, but I had run out of ideas of what to do so I just started to pray out loud for help.

I don't think anyone in the car heard me because they were crying and yelling so much. But after I finished they quieted down for a few seconds. I think they would have resumed fighting again except Savannah apologized to my youngest daughter Addison and told her that she was wrong for saying mean things and what she said wasn't true. It was amazing! It might not sound like much to you but, believe me, it was a miracle. At first Addie didn't accept the apology, but Savannah said something else kind! Then Addi said she was sorry too. Then there was just this awesome spirit of peace and calm in the car.

We had enough time to stop by the library before I dropped them off and when we went into the library Addie and Savannah were telling each other how much they loved each other and they helped each other pick out books. The others were also happy and peaceful. Wow! I was so grateful for prayer and Heavenly help. I could never get through this life without that.

Sponges

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships, romantic relationships. We have been talking about relationships in one of my classes. I have a friend who is madly searching for Mr. Right and she is constantly talking about relationships. My ex-husband just got remarried. I am trying to figure out how I feel about getting into a new relationship. So it is on my mind.

Here is what I was taught by a really great professor. She said that when people get out of a relationship where they were mistreated, they are like a dry sponge. If anyone gives them the least bit of kindness they are going to just soak it up and come back for more. But that isn't going to work because that kind of neediness can't be fixed by someone else. She said you have to make sure that you are the only one who is wetting your sponge. Only you and God can give yourself the kind of validation that lasts. Then when you are stronger and don't need someone else, you can get into a relationship with another person who isn't needy either and have a real partnership. Until then any relationship you get into will be imbalanced and unhealthy because you will be sponging off the other person emotionally. And people who like to be sponged off of usually don't make the best partners.

The other cool thing I"ve learned is that love is built on two pillars - trust and respect. That isn't what we usually think of when we think of love. But real love can't exist without both. When you don't have trust and respect you have a counterfeit for love. The counterfeit is need. Neediness is what causes people to get into and stay in abusive relationships.

So I guess the moral is that in order to have good relationships, you have to start with the relationship you have with yourself and with God. Make a habit of thinking positively about yourself and believe in yourself. Develop talents and hobbies, face your fears, serve others, develop your spirituality, and most importantly - develop a personal relationship with God. Then, when you are ready to start a relationship, find someone that you can trust and respect. There, I've soap boxed it enough for one day.

Tranquility

Tonight I went up into the canyon with my kids for a cook-out. It was really fun. The place we go isn't far from our house, but it's far enough to feel like you're in the mountains. There is a little stream that runs through it and tall trees all around. I think the birds sing more beautifully there too, or at least they are easier to notice. I've been there a lot in the past two years. It's been my retreat. When things got too painful I would just load everybody up and drive up there. I always came back feeling better. The kids did too. Being up in the mountains has a way of soothing the ache. It ached so much sometimes. You know how you feel when you get the air knocked out of you and you can't breathe for a minute? That was how I felt almost all the time. Well, tonight I was thinking about all this and suddenly I realized that the ache was gone. I just felt whole inside. For the first time in a long time I wasn't in the canyon for reprieve from the pain, I was just there for fun. It makes me think that there is something to what they say. . . it takes two years to get over a divorce. It will be two years at the beginning of July. (My personal independence day.) More and more now the storms in my soul are clearing up and I just feel peace. Its a nice feeling.

BOOM! BANG! turns into fizzle... pip...

I was driving home tonight when suddenly I realized it was the one year anniversary of my divorce being finalized. It was kind of a shocking thing to realize. It's really been a whole year since that last, stressful, eight hour battle in the mediator's office! Just today I had been grieving a little over my lost dreams. I had such high hopes for a happy, eternal marriage and it's been hard to see those dreams dissolve. But when I realized it was my anti-versary I knew I needed to celebrate. It's not like getting divorced is fun or good but I could not let my personal independence day pass quietly.

In some ways I think getting divorced was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. After the divorce finalized I heard a song that started with a crowd cheering. I replayed that one little cheering part over and over again imagining that all those people were cheering with me. Tears of joy streamed down my face to think of all the miracles that had taken place to get me where I was now and how strong I had been to make it.

Yes, this anti-versary called for a celebration. I decided to go buy fireworks and light them off. I had a great time at the store. I bought fireworks, then I bought myself a bouquet of flowers. I sang out loud and didn't even care that fellow shoppers were staring at me curiously. When I finally got done shopping it was nearly 11:00 p.m. And since I live in a quiet neighborhood, I lost my nerve to light the fireworks off alone. (My kids are still with their dad.) So I called a good friend and she agreed to meet up with me. Thank goodness for friends!

The sad thing is, actually lighting off the fireworks wasn't nearly as good as buying them and anticipating them. I told my friend that it was anti-climatic. She said, "Well, that's the way divorce is." Hmmm. . . I guess she's right. So it was probably appropriate to celebrate with let-down fireworks.

All in all, it was a confusing, complex, mood-saturated celebration. I think I'll do it again next year.