Backbone

Today I was thinking about when I first separated from my husband. It was very traumatic. I remember feeling like my guts were going to fall out. One of the worst times was the first weekend that my husband took my children for his visitation. I am a mother of young children. My life up to that point had centered around them in many ways. I was rarely away from them. They were rarely away from me. Their father had never been very involved with them. I used to stress out about leaving them with him for even a few hours. So that first weekend was extremely difficult.

I tried to keep busy and not let the worry take over, but it was hard. I forced myself to go to our city festival so I didn't wallow in misery. I remember feeling like I was going to fall apart while I was there. I kept seeing all these happy, intact families and it was all I could do to fight back the tears. My children should have been there with me. I should have a sweetheart by my side. I wondered what I was even doing there. I wanted to run away from everyone and everything. My mind was screaming, "I can't make it through this!"

Just about then, in the depth of my loneliness and despair, I felt someone put their arm around my waist and comfort and strengthen me. I was so relieved to feel this strong arm against my back - but no one was there. At least I didn't see anyone. But the feeling I had helped me immensely. I stood up a little taller, the tears that were choking my throat dissipated, peace and calm filled my heart. I knew beyond any question that I was not alone. I knew that my Savior knew what I was going through. I knew that He would be my backbone when I felt like jello. And He was. I am amazed at how much I was able to deal with because of His help. The pain and the misery I went through never got beyond what I could handle. I learned I could handle a lot more than I thought I could. And each time I really needed help it came. After that I felt that arm around me a lot. I miss that feeling now. I guess I don't need it as much, but I still want it. I'm going to try to figure out how to get it back.