Sponges

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships, romantic relationships. We have been talking about relationships in one of my classes. I have a friend who is madly searching for Mr. Right and she is constantly talking about relationships. My ex-husband just got remarried. I am trying to figure out how I feel about getting into a new relationship. So it is on my mind.

Here is what I was taught by a really great professor. She said that when people get out of a relationship where they were mistreated, they are like a dry sponge. If anyone gives them the least bit of kindness they are going to just soak it up and come back for more. But that isn't going to work because that kind of neediness can't be fixed by someone else. She said you have to make sure that you are the only one who is wetting your sponge. Only you and God can give yourself the kind of validation that lasts. Then when you are stronger and don't need someone else, you can get into a relationship with another person who isn't needy either and have a real partnership. Until then any relationship you get into will be imbalanced and unhealthy because you will be sponging off the other person emotionally. And people who like to be sponged off of usually don't make the best partners.

The other cool thing I"ve learned is that love is built on two pillars - trust and respect. That isn't what we usually think of when we think of love. But real love can't exist without both. When you don't have trust and respect you have a counterfeit for love. The counterfeit is need. Neediness is what causes people to get into and stay in abusive relationships.

So I guess the moral is that in order to have good relationships, you have to start with the relationship you have with yourself and with God. Make a habit of thinking positively about yourself and believe in yourself. Develop talents and hobbies, face your fears, serve others, develop your spirituality, and most importantly - develop a personal relationship with God. Then, when you are ready to start a relationship, find someone that you can trust and respect. There, I've soap boxed it enough for one day.