Ball of Confusion, Ball of Confusion That's What the World is Today

After all my talk about not dating I found myself in the arms of a man this weekend. Yup. You read right. Don't worry, I didn't kiss him. But I did let him hold me in his arms. A long time ago I posted about a guy who I was watching a movie with and all I could think about was being wrapped up in his big, strong arms. Same guy. It just goes to prove how powerful thoughts are. I think part of what brought this to pass was me thinking about it so much. And guess what? His arms are really big and strong. It felt so good to be held. I felt like I was home after a long, exhausting, difficult journey.

Except I wasn't.

Now I am trying to figure out what to do about it. I still intend to not date. And, btw, I wasn't dating this guy. We were just good friends. Somehow he snuck in under my radar. I've built a four-foot-thick concrete wall around myself and so I think I'm safe, but if someone manages to chink their way through and get in I am defenseless and vulnerable. That's kind of what happened. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was warding off all potential suitors just fine. I didn't know I had invited one into my stockade.

Undoing something is a lot harder than not doing it in the first place. Part of me wishes that things could work out between us. Being single is pretty lonely. But another part of me knows that I am not ready for a relationship, especially with this man. He evokes my "saving" tendencies like crazy. That is not a good sign for either one of us. I am still attracting messed up men. So I am stuck to mourn what I don't have and nurse the ache of a sore heart. It's just a feeling, right? I can handle it.

I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack this morning and "I'm Not That Girl" was like listening to my heart poured out in music and words. I listened to it over and over. (I just added it to my Playlist so you can listen to it too!) In my head it means something a little different than the original meaning. It helped me remember who I really am and how I don't want to compromise myself. Here are the applicable words for your benefit:

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

. . . .

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
. . .I'm not that girl