Phantom

Life has more twists than a Soap Opera lately. I've been spending a lot of time with the guy who I went with to hear Elder Bednar speak. We shall call him Raoul. (I'm still not making any contact with Muscle Boy. Although he called and texted me after two weeks. I ignored him. It's the best thing.) Raoul is an amazing person. An exception to the post about guys over 30. As far as I can tell he doesn't have any major issues. And he is funny, smart, and talented. The other day he sat down at the piano and started playing all kinds of beautiful music by ear. He has only had one semester of piano lessons, but he can totally play. Not just plunking stuff out either, he plays with tons of depth and emotion in the music. And he sang to me while he played. He plays the guitar too. Guys with musical talent are so attractive! I think he likes me. It scares the living daylights out of me. I have been having major trauma over this. I can't even describe the depth of it. I'm talking about being physically sick because of my terror of getting into a relationship. If you knew what I've been through you would understand; but since you don't know, just imagine. To help me out, I've been listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I guess I am determined to fit my life into some kind of musical :). I am totally relating to Christine right now. I am haunted by the Phantom of my bad relationship with "he who shall not be named". And the Phantom is raging and plotting and furious because of this new guy in my life.

Phantom's lines:
Insolent boy
this slave of fashion
basking in your glory
Ignorant fool
this brave young suitor
sharing in my triumph!

My lines (speaking about the Phantom):
The angel of music sings song in my head. . .
Here in this room he calls me softly
somewhere inside, hiding
He's with me even now.
All around me
It frightens me. . .
The angel of music is very strict.

It frightens me. Over and over in my head I hear the music. It f r i g h t e n s me. My hands are cold, my face is white. I can't tell who is the hero and who is the phantom. All I know is the phantom. Raoul took some pictures of us together and emailed them to me. It triggered a huge panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a panic attack, but this felt like one. I couldn't sleep. I see those pictures and my mind starts to revolt. "Danger! Run away! Run away!" it screams, "Don't ever trust a man again!" I've put my emotional journey into a playlist and I will post it here. It is so much easier to express what I feel through music than with mere words. Each song on the playlist is significant. They have to go in the order that I put them in.

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try.
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye.
Help me say goodbye.

These words mean that I must let go of the past I had with Darkness. I must forgive and continue on with my life. I must have strength to try to love again. (SCARY! - the thought makes me feel like vomiting). I must let go of the memories, make peace with my past, quit crying silent tears, and live my life in the present. I must say goodbye to the Phantom.



Here is a random picture. Raoul took it when we went hiking this weekend. I love it.