(OK Jendalyn, this is for you :)) I have been so busy lately that I've been horrible about keeping up with my blog. My life feels like I have been caught up in a rushing river and I am just trying to hang on to the raft and enjoy the ride. But at least I feel like I am floating instead of drowning, right? White water river rafting can be a huge rush! The rush part of the ride is definitely being with Raoul.
When I am with him it feels like this dream world. He is so thoughtful and respectful. He hasn't kissed me yet, although he sometimes hints that he would like to. We hold hands and that is about it. The other night when we were together I realized that for the first time I was with a guy who was more interested in me than he was in my body. We talk almost every night on the phone for hours. We talk a lot when we are together too. He has a great sense of humor and he always makes me laugh. He sings to me, edits my papers, listens to me, buys things for me, fixes all kinds of stuff for me, (my car, my computer, my cell phone, etc.) He is the most amazing person. Sometimes I feel like I have to touch him just to make sure he isn't a figment of my imagination.
I took a class from an amazing woman once. She had a lot to say about how to choose a spouse. She used a three degrees of glory model to explain it. (I highly recommend listening to the talk in this link) She said that we don't skip over levels in the three degrees of glory. It's impossible. You don't have someone who is telestial (the natural man, looking for immediate gratification and trying to fill their appetite, liers, cheaters, angry, violent, etc.) who suddenly becomes celestial, although they can make it appear that way. (I can vouch for that with the Phantom.) In order for a person to become celestial they first have to progress through the other levels. So that is why when you are looking for a spouse you need to look for someone who is solidly terrestrial. Because a terrestrial person isn't selfish and self-centered. They have learned to harness the natural man. A terrestrial person is obedient to the commandments, follows rules and has discipline and self-control. It is someone who pays bills on time, exercises, can delay gratification, etc. This kind of behavior creates a safety net. It can't be faked. And it is the building block to becoming celestial. Anyway, Raoul is solidly terrestrial.
But I still get soo scared. It is hard to believe that someone so amazing will really like me. When I am with him I am floating on a cloud, but when I am alone to think about it I go into a panic. I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't know how he could ever manage the chaos that comes with having five children. I don't want to get hurt. I don't think I'm good enough for him.
It is really painful when I panic like that because I like him so much and I want to flee from him at the same time. The only thing I know of to do at times like that is to pray. Then when I pray I am filled with peace. I don't know where things will end up for me and Raoul. But I know that for right now being with him is good. I keep getting that reassurance in my prayers.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Phantom
Life has more twists than a Soap Opera lately. I've been spending a lot of time with the guy who I went with to hear Elder Bednar speak. We shall call him Raoul. (I'm still not making any contact with Muscle Boy. Although he called and texted me after two weeks. I ignored him. It's the best thing.) Raoul is an amazing person. An exception to the post about guys over 30. As far as I can tell he doesn't have any major issues. And he is funny, smart, and talented. The other day he sat down at the piano and started playing all kinds of beautiful music by ear. He has only had one semester of piano lessons, but he can totally play. Not just plunking stuff out either, he plays with tons of depth and emotion in the music. And he sang to me while he played. He plays the guitar too. Guys with musical talent are so attractive! I think he likes me. It scares the living daylights out of me. I have been having major trauma over this. I can't even describe the depth of it. I'm talking about being physically sick because of my terror of getting into a relationship. If you knew what I've been through you would understand; but since you don't know, just imagine. To help me out, I've been listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I guess I am determined to fit my life into some kind of musical :). I am totally relating to Christine right now. I am haunted by the Phantom of my bad relationship with "he who shall not be named". And the Phantom is raging and plotting and furious because of this new guy in my life.
Phantom's lines:
Insolent boy
this slave of fashion
basking in your glory
Ignorant fool
this brave young suitor
sharing in my triumph!
My lines (speaking about the Phantom):
The angel of music sings song in my head. . .
Here in this room he calls me softly
somewhere inside, hiding
He's with me even now.
All around me
It frightens me. . .
The angel of music is very strict.
It frightens me. Over and over in my head I hear the music. It f r i g h t e n s me. My hands are cold, my face is white. I can't tell who is the hero and who is the phantom. All I know is the phantom. Raoul took some pictures of us together and emailed them to me. It triggered a huge panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a panic attack, but this felt like one. I couldn't sleep. I see those pictures and my mind starts to revolt. "Danger! Run away! Run away!" it screams, "Don't ever trust a man again!" I've put my emotional journey into a playlist and I will post it here. It is so much easier to express what I feel through music than with mere words. Each song on the playlist is significant. They have to go in the order that I put them in.
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try.
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye.
Help me say goodbye.
These words mean that I must let go of the past I had with Darkness. I must forgive and continue on with my life. I must have strength to try to love again. (SCARY! - the thought makes me feel like vomiting). I must let go of the memories, make peace with my past, quit crying silent tears, and live my life in the present. I must say goodbye to the Phantom.
Here is a random picture. Raoul took it when we went hiking this weekend. I love it.
Insolent boy
this slave of fashion
basking in your glory
Ignorant fool
this brave young suitor
sharing in my triumph!
My lines (speaking about the Phantom):
The angel of music sings song in my head. . .
Here in this room he calls me softly
somewhere inside, hiding
He's with me even now.
All around me
It frightens me. . .
The angel of music is very strict.
It frightens me. Over and over in my head I hear the music. It f r i g h t e n s me. My hands are cold, my face is white. I can't tell who is the hero and who is the phantom. All I know is the phantom. Raoul took some pictures of us together and emailed them to me. It triggered a huge panic attack. I don't think I've ever had a panic attack, but this felt like one. I couldn't sleep. I see those pictures and my mind starts to revolt. "Danger! Run away! Run away!" it screams, "Don't ever trust a man again!" I've put my emotional journey into a playlist and I will post it here. It is so much easier to express what I feel through music than with mere words. Each song on the playlist is significant. They have to go in the order that I put them in.
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try.
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye.
Help me say goodbye.
These words mean that I must let go of the past I had with Darkness. I must forgive and continue on with my life. I must have strength to try to love again. (SCARY! - the thought makes me feel like vomiting). I must let go of the memories, make peace with my past, quit crying silent tears, and live my life in the present. I must say goodbye to the Phantom.
Here is a random picture. Raoul took it when we went hiking this weekend. I love it.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I Know Why I Shouted For Joy
I had an amazingly awesome week! The highlight was definitely listening to Elder Bednar 
and his wife speak at a stake conference this weekend. Wow! It was one of those powerful, spirit-took-over-the-building experiences. I even got to shake his hand. Elder Bednar is totally cool. He is so down to earth and blunt about things. He said this was his only chance to speak to us so he didn't have time to beat around the bush. He talked about agency and said that it isn't free agency and we should never call it that and that the scriptures never refer to free agency. It is always "moral agency". He said that if we look up agency in the Oxford English Dictionary that traces how a word has changed over time and go back to 1830, we will find that the word "choice" was not a part of that definition. He said, "You might say that (Bruce R. Mconckie?) referred to free agency in his book in 1956, and I would say, yes, but this is not 1956, this is 2008 and we have more light and knowledge now. The gospel is line upon line, precept upon precept. The doctrine doesn't change, there is just more clarification. Moral agency is not freedom to do whatever you want. It never has been that. Moral agency is the freedom to follow the commandments and keep covenants. It has never been about anything more than that.
He talked about "personal commandments". Ones that are just for us that don't apply to everyone. He quoted a scripture that said when we are crowned with glory we will have commandments not a few. He said if we are keeping commandments with a begrudging heart we are not worthy of being crowned with glory. We need to keep commandments with a joyful heart. We need to be open to the whisperings of the spirit so that we hear the personal commandments because that is the way to joy. I decided in my heart that I would seek out Father's will and follow it with joy even if it meant a sacrifice on my part of what I think is a fun, good life. I don't want a fun good life at the expense of better things. I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do. Elder Bednar talked about how our will is really the only thing we can give to Christ. I want to give it fully.
He talked about the plan of salvation and he said that many people think that there were two plans presented, one was Satan's plan and the other was Christ's. He said that wasn't scripturally accurate. There was always only one plan and it was created and presented by Heavenly Father. Jesus said, here am I, send me. Then Lucifer said here am I send me, but with a big but. He said we often think that Satan's goal was to get all of us back to Heavenly Father but it wasn't. He said Satan never cared about the welfare of any of us. He was always only in it for himself. Jesus was willing to offer himself as an infinite and eternal sacrifice to atone for our sins so that we could have moral agency. But Lucifer wanted to do away with moral agency because without moral agency there would be no need for an atonement and Lucifer would get the Father's glory without having to do anything to earn it. Elder Bednar said it was the first something for nothing scam. He asked us to think of how gullible we are when it comes to such scams on earth. He said 1/3 of Father's children bought into the scam. Scams like that never work. They don't work financially, emotionally, interpersonally, physically. If we want something we have to pay the price to get it.
He talked about how some parents are so sold on the idea of free agency that they stand around with their hands up and say, "I hope my son chooses to go on a mission. But if he doesn't what can I do? I can't force him." But that is ridiculous. Those parents are in serious danger of losing their children. Because Lucifer certainly isn't standing by with his hands in the air hoping that we will choose evil. So if we are going to combat those forces that are working on us and our children, we need to work just as hard as Satan does to entice, encourage, motivate, nurture, guide, etc. them into the right path. We do not force or coerce, but we do everything good in our power to help direct out children in paths of righteousness.
He talked about how we are in hard times, but hard times are relative. They mean different things to different people in different places. He talked about a lesson on fasting that he heard given by a woman in Africa. It was in a country where people aren't starving but it is normal for them to be hungry. Often they only have one meal a day. So the woman giving the lesson said that fasting is not just going without food because they do that all the time. Fasting is choosing not to eat when you have food available to eat. So they would go for three days without eating in order to fast two meals and they would do it without batting an eye. And we think we are in troubled times. Elder Bednar said we are the wealthiest of the wealthy. Troubled times are relative he said. We think high gas prices are troubled times and we don't really know what troubled times are. He said that no matter what kind of troubled times we face we can make it in the strength of the Lord.
He talked about the strength of the Lord, similar to another talk I have heard from him. He said we need to pray for strength to overcome our trials. Saying, I would like this trial to be removed and if it is Thy will please remove it, but if it isn't Thy will to remove it give me strength to bear it. He said if we pray with that attitude amazing things will happen. He counseled us to search the Book of Mormon and find all the times it says "in the strength of the Lord".
He gave an apostolic blessing that said as we do what he asked us to do by searching out the times in the Book of Mormon that say "in the strength of the Lord", we will hear things we haven't heard before, we will see things we haven't seen before, we will understand things we haven't understood before. He blessed us that if we face troubled times that we will be given strength to overcome them and that we will have the knowledge and the confidence that God will be with us and strengthen us and give us the power to make it through these times. He blessed us with other things but I can't remember them right now. But it was a very powerful blessing. I had tears in my heart. It felt so personal and powerful. I was very grateful to be there. When Elder Holland spoke in our stake conference 5 years ago he said that an apostolic blessing has the same power as if he was individually putting his hands on the head of each member of the audience. I felt that from Elder Holland and I definitely felt that from Elder Bednar. I was so lucky to be there. I was planning on going to my friends birthday Prom with a guy friend of mine. At the last minute he told me that he was going to have to miss out on Elder Bednar speaking at his Saturday evening session of stake conference. When he told me about it I decided to skip out on the Prom and go to the stake conference with him instead. I am so glad I did. It was incredible. And to think. . . we almost both missed it. I hope my friend will forgive me for missing her prom.
and his wife speak at a stake conference this weekend. Wow! It was one of those powerful, spirit-took-over-the-building experiences. I even got to shake his hand. Elder Bednar is totally cool. He is so down to earth and blunt about things. He said this was his only chance to speak to us so he didn't have time to beat around the bush. He talked about agency and said that it isn't free agency and we should never call it that and that the scriptures never refer to free agency. It is always "moral agency". He said that if we look up agency in the Oxford English Dictionary that traces how a word has changed over time and go back to 1830, we will find that the word "choice" was not a part of that definition. He said, "You might say that (Bruce R. Mconckie?) referred to free agency in his book in 1956, and I would say, yes, but this is not 1956, this is 2008 and we have more light and knowledge now. The gospel is line upon line, precept upon precept. The doctrine doesn't change, there is just more clarification. Moral agency is not freedom to do whatever you want. It never has been that. Moral agency is the freedom to follow the commandments and keep covenants. It has never been about anything more than that.He talked about "personal commandments". Ones that are just for us that don't apply to everyone. He quoted a scripture that said when we are crowned with glory we will have commandments not a few. He said if we are keeping commandments with a begrudging heart we are not worthy of being crowned with glory. We need to keep commandments with a joyful heart. We need to be open to the whisperings of the spirit so that we hear the personal commandments because that is the way to joy. I decided in my heart that I would seek out Father's will and follow it with joy even if it meant a sacrifice on my part of what I think is a fun, good life. I don't want a fun good life at the expense of better things. I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do. Elder Bednar talked about how our will is really the only thing we can give to Christ. I want to give it fully.
He talked about the plan of salvation and he said that many people think that there were two plans presented, one was Satan's plan and the other was Christ's. He said that wasn't scripturally accurate. There was always only one plan and it was created and presented by Heavenly Father. Jesus said, here am I, send me. Then Lucifer said here am I send me, but with a big but. He said we often think that Satan's goal was to get all of us back to Heavenly Father but it wasn't. He said Satan never cared about the welfare of any of us. He was always only in it for himself. Jesus was willing to offer himself as an infinite and eternal sacrifice to atone for our sins so that we could have moral agency. But Lucifer wanted to do away with moral agency because without moral agency there would be no need for an atonement and Lucifer would get the Father's glory without having to do anything to earn it. Elder Bednar said it was the first something for nothing scam. He asked us to think of how gullible we are when it comes to such scams on earth. He said 1/3 of Father's children bought into the scam. Scams like that never work. They don't work financially, emotionally, interpersonally, physically. If we want something we have to pay the price to get it.
He talked about how some parents are so sold on the idea of free agency that they stand around with their hands up and say, "I hope my son chooses to go on a mission. But if he doesn't what can I do? I can't force him." But that is ridiculous. Those parents are in serious danger of losing their children. Because Lucifer certainly isn't standing by with his hands in the air hoping that we will choose evil. So if we are going to combat those forces that are working on us and our children, we need to work just as hard as Satan does to entice, encourage, motivate, nurture, guide, etc. them into the right path. We do not force or coerce, but we do everything good in our power to help direct out children in paths of righteousness.
He talked about how we are in hard times, but hard times are relative. They mean different things to different people in different places. He talked about a lesson on fasting that he heard given by a woman in Africa. It was in a country where people aren't starving but it is normal for them to be hungry. Often they only have one meal a day. So the woman giving the lesson said that fasting is not just going without food because they do that all the time. Fasting is choosing not to eat when you have food available to eat. So they would go for three days without eating in order to fast two meals and they would do it without batting an eye. And we think we are in troubled times. Elder Bednar said we are the wealthiest of the wealthy. Troubled times are relative he said. We think high gas prices are troubled times and we don't really know what troubled times are. He said that no matter what kind of troubled times we face we can make it in the strength of the Lord.
He talked about the strength of the Lord, similar to another talk I have heard from him. He said we need to pray for strength to overcome our trials. Saying, I would like this trial to be removed and if it is Thy will please remove it, but if it isn't Thy will to remove it give me strength to bear it. He said if we pray with that attitude amazing things will happen. He counseled us to search the Book of Mormon and find all the times it says "in the strength of the Lord".
He gave an apostolic blessing that said as we do what he asked us to do by searching out the times in the Book of Mormon that say "in the strength of the Lord", we will hear things we haven't heard before, we will see things we haven't seen before, we will understand things we haven't understood before. He blessed us that if we face troubled times that we will be given strength to overcome them and that we will have the knowledge and the confidence that God will be with us and strengthen us and give us the power to make it through these times. He blessed us with other things but I can't remember them right now. But it was a very powerful blessing. I had tears in my heart. It felt so personal and powerful. I was very grateful to be there. When Elder Holland spoke in our stake conference 5 years ago he said that an apostolic blessing has the same power as if he was individually putting his hands on the head of each member of the audience. I felt that from Elder Holland and I definitely felt that from Elder Bednar. I was so lucky to be there. I was planning on going to my friends birthday Prom with a guy friend of mine. At the last minute he told me that he was going to have to miss out on Elder Bednar speaking at his Saturday evening session of stake conference. When he told me about it I decided to skip out on the Prom and go to the stake conference with him instead. I am so glad I did. It was incredible. And to think. . . we almost both missed it. I hope my friend will forgive me for missing her prom.
Then another wonderful thing that happened this week is that I found a GREAT hairstylist. I've been searching for a good stylist for the past 6 years since my old one moved away. So I was super happy to find one that I am pretty sure I will love. It's a guy and I've never been to a guy stylist before but I am happily converted. He is way cool. And his dad is my favorite obgyn. So he is practically like family. He is even the same age as me. It's like destiny has brought us together. (Settle down, I'm not talking in a romantic way, he is happily married and I'm not attracted to him that way.)
The only bad thing of this week is that not much homework happened (again). I am going to be up at a very early hour tomorrow to finish some major assignments. Now I've put unnecessary strain and stress on myself by procrastinating. But I do pretty well under pressure so I am hoping it will all work out.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
NutraSweet is Anything But Sweet
I went to a lecture today by a woman who was involved in researching NutraSweet many years ago. (She was hired by NutraSweet btw) She said what they found was that NutraSweet increased people's appetite and left them feeling unfilled. She compared that to things we do in our lives. We are just trying to get satisfaction but the way we seek for it ends up making us need more and feel less satisfied than before.
When she was talking I realized that was what happened to me last weekend. I had physical NutraSweet cuddling with muscle boy. It might have even started before that. I used to be pretty happy with my life until I started going to lots of parties. Then suddenly I was bombarded by all this loneliness. My appetite for having a man in my life grew, but the men I was spending time with left me feeling very unfulfilled. It could never make me fulfilled because what I was getting was artificial.
The speaker today told about trees in the desert in Arizona. Because water is scarce the roots of the trees have to search for water. There is water deep in the earth, but it is under a layer of hard rock-like material. So some trees spread their roots out vertically in order to find water near the surface. When a storm comes these trees are blown right over because their roots are shallow. Other trees send out a tap root that slowly makes it's way through the hard layer and on to the source of water below. These trees can withstand any storm because they are rooted so deeply. She compared the shallow roots to seeking valid.ation from others and the tap root that goes deep is like connecting with God and getting validation from Him.
It was a great talk. I've thought a lot about muscle boy lately. I decided I'm going to quit hanging out with him. I don't want NutraSweet in my life. I hate the stuff.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Ball of Confusion, Ball of Confusion That's What the World is Today
After all my talk about not dating I found myself in the arms of a man this weekend. Yup. You read right. Don't worry, I didn't kiss him. But I did let him hold me in his arms. A long time ago I posted about a guy who I was watching a movie with and all I could think about was being wrapped up in his big, strong arms. Same guy. It just goes to prove how powerful thoughts are. I think part of what brought this to pass was me thinking about it so much. And guess what? His arms are really big and strong. It felt so good to be held. I felt like I was home after a long, exhausting, difficult journey.
Except I wasn't.
Now I am trying to figure out what to do about it. I still intend to not date. And, btw, I wasn't dating this guy. We were just good friends. Somehow he snuck in under my radar. I've built a four-foot-thick concrete wall around myself and so I think I'm safe, but if someone manages to chink their way through and get in I am defenseless and vulnerable. That's kind of what happened. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was warding off all potential suitors just fine. I didn't know I had invited one into my stockade.
Undoing something is a lot harder than not doing it in the first place. Part of me wishes that things could work out between us. Being single is pretty lonely. But another part of me knows that I am not ready for a relationship, especially with this man. He evokes my "saving" tendencies like crazy. That is not a good sign for either one of us. I am still attracting messed up men. So I am stuck to mourn what I don't have and nurse the ache of a sore heart. It's just a feeling, right? I can handle it.
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
. . . .
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
. . .I'm not that girl
Except I wasn't.
Now I am trying to figure out what to do about it. I still intend to not date. And, btw, I wasn't dating this guy. We were just good friends. Somehow he snuck in under my radar. I've built a four-foot-thick concrete wall around myself and so I think I'm safe, but if someone manages to chink their way through and get in I am defenseless and vulnerable. That's kind of what happened. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was warding off all potential suitors just fine. I didn't know I had invited one into my stockade.
Undoing something is a lot harder than not doing it in the first place. Part of me wishes that things could work out between us. Being single is pretty lonely. But another part of me knows that I am not ready for a relationship, especially with this man. He evokes my "saving" tendencies like crazy. That is not a good sign for either one of us. I am still attracting messed up men. So I am stuck to mourn what I don't have and nurse the ache of a sore heart. It's just a feeling, right? I can handle it.
I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack this morning and "I'm Not That Girl" was like listening to my heart poured out in music and words. I listened to it over and over. (I just added it to my Playlist so you can listen to it too!) In my head it means something a little different than the original meaning. It helped me remember who I really am and how I don't want to compromise myself. Here are the applicable words for your benefit:
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
. . . .
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
. . .I'm not that girl
Sunday, October 26, 2008
OK, Single Women Over 30 Aren't All That Either :(
I went to a party last night and I was amazed at the trashiness of the women. It was a costume party. Many people were totally appropriate, so this just applies to some. But man! There were girls there that I had to turn my head away from because I was so embarrassed for them. I'll describe one outfit for your benefit. Fishnet pantyhose. Shorts that could pass for underwear. Sleeveless top that shouted LOOK AT MY CLEAVAGE NOT MY FACE! I'm not sure what this particular girl was dressing up as. Maybe a prostitute? I don't know. If this was at some nightclub or something I would understand. But at a party for LDS people? Have we really lost our standards that much?!
Then there was the guy who dressed up as Marge Simpson in a bathrobe. Complete with a lifelike rubber version of a female chest which he kept flashing at people. I was almost more disgusted with the women who kept giggling about it and asking him to flash them than I was with him for wearing it. Come on ladies! We didn't go through centuries of equal rights struggles only to be objectified by ourselves!
If you think you have to put your body on display in order to get attention you are wrong. The attention you'll get will be from the wrong type of men. The raptor type men. I picture the scene from Jurassic Park where the dinosaur can only see it's prey if they move. Well, creepy guys are like that except they only see women who act like sex objects. If you dress modestly the creepy raptor guys won't even see you. And that's good. Because when you flaunt your stuff out there you've got all kinds of predators ready to use the heck out of you and destroy your life. Those type of guys are only interested in serving themselves and meeting their own needs. They CAN'T care about you because they don't see you as a person.
The good guys don't want a serious relationship with an object. Good guys are repulsed by immodesty. Seriously. You dress immodestly and you make yourself repulsive to the kind of guys who will really treat you well. The first example I can think of to illustrate this is my brother. He is an awesome, smart, funny, successful, handsome, good, kind person. One of the best people I know. If he saw a girl dressed like a slut he would look away. I know he would. So in effect, that girl just repulsed him. She repulsed the very kind of guy she could have a happy, fulfilling relationship with. (Yes, he is happily married already btw.)
As a side note, here is a little tip for any women who might be looking for a decent guy. If he has extremely high standards about women's looks he is probably into porn. Pornography uses tricks of the trade to make women look artificially beautiful. Men who watch it begin to believe that's how all women should look and they end up with unrealistic standards for beauty. So if you hear a guy saying some movie star is unattractive when most people think she is beautiful (or something like that) then put up a red flag. A big one. Same thing for a guy who obsesses over the way you look and wants you to look sexier in public.
So to tie this all up, even though I ranted on about how messed up single men over 30 were, I have come to face the fact that women aren't much better. When it comes down to it, all of us are just mortal people trying to make our way through life the best we can. We all get a little lost sometimes. For next week my goal is to be less judgmental.
Then there was the guy who dressed up as Marge Simpson in a bathrobe. Complete with a lifelike rubber version of a female chest which he kept flashing at people. I was almost more disgusted with the women who kept giggling about it and asking him to flash them than I was with him for wearing it. Come on ladies! We didn't go through centuries of equal rights struggles only to be objectified by ourselves!
If you think you have to put your body on display in order to get attention you are wrong. The attention you'll get will be from the wrong type of men. The raptor type men. I picture the scene from Jurassic Park where the dinosaur can only see it's prey if they move. Well, creepy guys are like that except they only see women who act like sex objects. If you dress modestly the creepy raptor guys won't even see you. And that's good. Because when you flaunt your stuff out there you've got all kinds of predators ready to use the heck out of you and destroy your life. Those type of guys are only interested in serving themselves and meeting their own needs. They CAN'T care about you because they don't see you as a person.
The good guys don't want a serious relationship with an object. Good guys are repulsed by immodesty. Seriously. You dress immodestly and you make yourself repulsive to the kind of guys who will really treat you well. The first example I can think of to illustrate this is my brother. He is an awesome, smart, funny, successful, handsome, good, kind person. One of the best people I know. If he saw a girl dressed like a slut he would look away. I know he would. So in effect, that girl just repulsed him. She repulsed the very kind of guy she could have a happy, fulfilling relationship with. (Yes, he is happily married already btw.)
As a side note, here is a little tip for any women who might be looking for a decent guy. If he has extremely high standards about women's looks he is probably into porn. Pornography uses tricks of the trade to make women look artificially beautiful. Men who watch it begin to believe that's how all women should look and they end up with unrealistic standards for beauty. So if you hear a guy saying some movie star is unattractive when most people think she is beautiful (or something like that) then put up a red flag. A big one. Same thing for a guy who obsesses over the way you look and wants you to look sexier in public.
So to tie this all up, even though I ranted on about how messed up single men over 30 were, I have come to face the fact that women aren't much better. When it comes down to it, all of us are just mortal people trying to make our way through life the best we can. We all get a little lost sometimes. For next week my goal is to be less judgmental.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I Love My Life
Joy, fun, happiness. That's what my life feels like lately. I got a blessing about 6 months ago that said the clouds that hang over me will begin to clear. Well, I'm seeing the sunshine now! I've been feeling progressively better for awhile. First I didn't feel quite so miserable, then I started to feel peaceful, now I am starting to feel truly happy most of the time. It's amazing.
I look back on what I used to feel like and I can't believe I made it through that. I can't believe horrible feelings could last so long. If someone would have told me going into it what it was going to be like I would have run away fast. Divorce is sheer torture.
But here is one thing I've learned. Life doesn't come at you bigger than you can handle. Things never got so hard that I couldn't bear it. Sometimes I was afraid they would. Sometimes it hurt so much that I didn't think I would make it, but I did. I handled it. I got stronger. I grew. I'm okay. And actually, taking everything into account, I am so grateful for what I've gone through. There is a part of me that would run towards it instead of away from it because of who I am now as a result. Because of all the tender mercies I've experienced. Because of the goodness in other people that I have witnessed. I never would have known the good without the bitter.
Tonight I was just sitting up late in the quiet of the house thinking about how much I love my life. I've got friends now! I told my mom today that I am less lonely now than I've been since before I got married. (Being married to my ex was even lonelier than being divorced ever has been.) I have a social life. I get to go to graduate school. I have the most amazing children. What more could I ask for? Not like everything is perfect, but a lot of things in my life are really, really good. I love it.
I look back on what I used to feel like and I can't believe I made it through that. I can't believe horrible feelings could last so long. If someone would have told me going into it what it was going to be like I would have run away fast. Divorce is sheer torture.
But here is one thing I've learned. Life doesn't come at you bigger than you can handle. Things never got so hard that I couldn't bear it. Sometimes I was afraid they would. Sometimes it hurt so much that I didn't think I would make it, but I did. I handled it. I got stronger. I grew. I'm okay. And actually, taking everything into account, I am so grateful for what I've gone through. There is a part of me that would run towards it instead of away from it because of who I am now as a result. Because of all the tender mercies I've experienced. Because of the goodness in other people that I have witnessed. I never would have known the good without the bitter.
Tonight I was just sitting up late in the quiet of the house thinking about how much I love my life. I've got friends now! I told my mom today that I am less lonely now than I've been since before I got married. (Being married to my ex was even lonelier than being divorced ever has been.) I have a social life. I get to go to graduate school. I have the most amazing children. What more could I ask for? Not like everything is perfect, but a lot of things in my life are really, really good. I love it.
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