Day One of the Music Experiment

Wow! I can't believe it. I am already noticing big differences! This morning I woke up with a refrain from a song in my head again, but this time it was "God can heal the tender branches of this family tree". Yesterday morning it was "lose your inhibition, feel the rain on your face". It might not seem like a big deal, but waking up with the thought that God can heal my family was powerful and hopeful. Waking up with the thought that I should lose my inhibitions was not.

There are other differences I've already noticed too. Like, I just feel more like praying and reading my scriptures. I feel like the distance between me and heaven has gotten smaller. I am happier today. Maybe it is for different reasons but I don't think so.

Music

I have been waking up the last three mornings with a refrain from a song running through my head. It was a little alarming to me because these refrains were uninvited. I used to wake up with a phrase from the scriptures running through my head. During the day I catch myself singing songs almost unconsciously. When I stopped to think about it this morning I realized that these little refrains are programming my brain whether I like it or not. If I think the same thought 25 times a day it has to have some effect on me. I've noticed that the music I've been listening to has been invading my thoughts even when I don't want it to. Like when I am praying. Not good.

It's not like the music I listen to is bad. There really isn't anything wrong with it. It's just that that isn't what I want to be programmed with.

I used to listen to uplifting, spiritual music almost all the time. It was one thing that helped me get through hard times. I especially loved Mormon Tabernacle Choir's "Peace Like a River".

Oh my goodness, if you knew how many tears I cried listening to that cd! Listening to that kind of music definitely had an effect on me. It calmed me and inspired me. I felt good all day long.

Then I decided that I needed to be more "cool". (Dumb huh?) Instead of being happy with the me that I am, I have been moving closer and closer to that great and spacious building and all the beautiful people inside. Among other things, I started listening to the radio more often. I started finding other "cool" songs that I liked. OK, I don't want you to get me wrong. I'm not saying there is something wrong with listening to the radio or "cool" songs, but for me it just wasn't helping my life. Maybe it was more about my motivations. I really don't want to become TAMN! all materialistic, obsessed with her image, and self-absorbed.

The music I listen to programs my brain. I haven't been as happy lately. I haven't been as spiritual. I feel like there is more distance between me and my Father than there used to be. I don't like it. I like how I felt before.

So I am going to do an experiment. I am going to listen to only spiritual, uplifting music for a few weeks and see if I notice any changes.

In honor of my experiment I have posted a new playlist that mostly fits the requirements. Be careful listening to it though, there are a few tear-jerkers there. At least for me. Oh, and if you know of any great uplifting music please let me know!

Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

I usually don't get too lonely. But ironically, the more I am around other people the more lonely I feel. I think it's because sitting around talking about meaningless social chit-chat is just unfulfilling when what I really want is someone to share my heart and soul with.

The other thing is that usually I am perfectly happy living a celibate life. But sometimes I really miss being held in big, strong arms. Tonight I was hanging out with this guy and some other people. We are totally just friends, nothing else going on there. But when he sat down beside me it was like all these little electrical fuzzies spread out from my heart. I could hardly breathe. And all I could think about was how nice it would feel to be wrapped in his arms.

Sheesh! Disgusting!

Scary Things

Stepping out into the unknown has got to be one of the scariest parts of life. I worry about how I am going to be a mom and still get good grades. Sometimes I feel like I don't really fit in with all these young, cute, super-smart people. I wonder if I am really good enough to be in this program.

Today when I went to my graduate student orientation I realized that everyone else is having similar feelings. Even though my exact concerns are specific to my situation, I don't think my feelings are unique. The director of the school said today that when he got accepted to graduate school he kept wondering if they were going to realize they made a mistake and kick him out.

Here's how I deal with my fears. When I get scared and lose my guts to try new things, I just tell myself what I am going to say to my children or whomever someday. For example, I had to apply to get into the program as a bachelor's student. I was so scared that I wouldn't be accepted that I almost didn't apply. But instead of letting my fears take over I just told myself how amazed people were going to be after I am successful when I tell them that I almost didn't even apply to the program. I picture their faces of disbelief. I picture myself as a success. It is a really powerful fear blocker for me. I did the same thing when I applied to the graduate program.

And you know what? So far it seems like graduate school is going to be wonderful! Hard, but wonderful.

First Day Butterflies

This is just the way I felt the night before I started kindergarten. At least I imagine it is. . . .

What if the other kids don't like me? Will the teacher be mean? Did I choose the right outfit to wear tomorrow?

Wait! I haven't even chosen an outfit because I am a dirt poor single mom and I can't afford to buy any cute new outfits. Bah!

Well, I better get my beauty rest. Maybe my cuteness can overcome my deficiencies.

Echoes of Divinity

Dear Teachers of My Children,

My child will be in your class this year. I just want you to know that part of my heart will be in your class too. I am entrusting you with what is more valuable to me than anything else in this world. When I kiss and hug them goodbye and send them off to be with you, it is with a fervent prayer in my heart. I pray that you will love them. I pray that you will treat them kindly. I pray that you will see the good in them and be understanding of the bad. I pray that you will protect them from the cruelty of the other children. I pray that you will give them wise, tender care and attention. Please recognize and nurture their talents and their developing skills and abilities. They are so precious to me. I don't mean to overwhelm you. I know you have many cares and concerns of your own. If I could keep them with me, trust me, I would. But even though I can't be there all the time, I will help you and support you as best as I can. Because I love this child with all of my heart.

Sincerely,
A Loving Mother

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Dear Loving Mother,

I understand how you feel. I feel the same way when I entrust my child to you, except I feel it perfectly.

Sincerely,
A Loving Heavenly Father

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"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these little ones." (Gordon B. Hinckley, address to the Salt Lake University 3rd Stake Conference, Nov. 3, 1996)

Soaking It In

I have a two week break until I start graduate school. I can tell you that I am not taking this time for granted. I've been going to the park and the library and on picnics with my little ones, I am cleaning my house, doing laundry, working in the yard, baking cookies, and every other domestic thing I can think of. Do you sahm's know how lucky you are? I didn't until I lost my stay-at-home status. I would gladly give up my bachelor's degree if I could be at home with my kids all day again. I'm not saying it is a glorious job. Motherhood is definitely not easy. Still, it is the most meaningful and rewarding thing I have ever done.

I feel like life has given me a clearer view on things. Kind of like a person who has just learned they are dying. When life robs you of what you took for granted before it changes your perspective. Priorities change. Little things like cleaning the house never seemed so special before. Having time to really scrub my bathrooms is like a luxury now - and I don't even like cleaning. I always loved doing mommy things with my kids, like reading books and finding sweet teaching moments throughout the day, but now I appreciate it more fully. Just being there when they come home from school makes me feel so happy. I don't want to waste a single minute I have with them. I want to soak in every cute little expression on their faces and burn the sound of their childish laughter into my memory forever.

So since I can't go back and teach my old self to appreciate what I had then, maybe someone else can learn from me. Happy bathroom scrubbing all you sahm's. I'll be thinking of you.

I Did It

I graduated today! And just so you know, it was every bit as good as I dreamed. And then some. What a great thing to do! I highly recommend it to everyone.

Foreseeing the Storms

A lot of people ask me why I went back to college. Especially if they don't know I'm divorced. I don't usually tell them the full story, but I think I will write it here.

About three years ago I was praying in my bedroom in a rare moment of quiet. In the middle of my prayer I was flooded with the impression that I should go back to school. I fought it at first because my children were still so young. I thought my priority should be raising my children. But in response to my resistance I got a very direct answer that was just as if someone had spoken to me. It said, "No, you need to go back to school now! And you need to take as many classes as you can. Go full time if you can." I remember the stunned feeling I had. Yet the answer was so strong I couldn't deny it.

Looking back, I should have been more suspicious about why I got that answer. My marriage had always been rocky but it wasn't in serious trouble at that point. I had consigned myself to believe that marriage was really, really hard and I was prepared to live with it. I didn't expect anything to change. I guess I was naive. I certainly didn't realize that I would get a divorce and need to support my family.

I started going to school within a month. I only took one class at a time at first. That was the best I could do then. It was about a year later that my marriage completely unraveled.

I had no idea what I was headed into, but God did. Because of His guidance I didn't have to try to figure out what to do. I was already on the right track before the tragedy struck. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to try to apply for school and get registered when my world was falling apart. I don't think I could have done it. Thank goodness I didn't have to.

Dreams Do Come True!

I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree next week! Can I just tell you how excited I am? Whenever I had hard tests to study for or huge papers to write, I would picture myself in my cap and gown to get myself through it. During those hard times I used to daydream about throwing my cap up into the air, and everyone cheering, and taking pictures in front of the university. Ahhh. . . those were good daydreams. Now it is finally here! I really did it!!

I guess it isn't going to be quite like I dreamed about since my kids won't be here (they’re still with their dad). But those dreams were mainly to get me through the hard times. I don't need them now. The feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment I have is so powerful that it overshadows the rest of the details. Hooray for me!

Misery

My kids are gone again for two weeks. I try to convince myself that I like the freedom. I try to have fun and be happy. But I just realized that I am doing what I always do when they are gone. I have no appetite and I can't sleep.

It isn't a conscious thing. I'm not sitting here worrying about them or feeling miserable. If I think about it though, I've got a knot in the pit of my stomach. But I guess I've just been ignoring that.

Feelings buried alive never die.

Well, I'm too tired tonight. "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow" - Scarlett O'Hara

The Magic is in Knowing Who You Are

I slipped off my shoes, my favorite shoes. I've worn them so much there are holes all the way through the insoles. I wriggled out of my cute dress, the one I got for 14.99 on sale - what a bargain! I hung up the slip I was wearing, the slip that was pink now instead of white because of that day I wore it with a red dress. I looked at my clothes hanging in the locker, loaded with reminders of everyday life.

Then I pulled on stretchy white knee highs and slid into a clean white slip that went to my ankles and a simple, flowing white dress. I've worn this dress more times than any other I own. I wore it the day I got married. I wore it when I was pregnant (I especially loved wearing it then). I've worn it on special occasions full of joy and on days when tears splattered onto the lap and sleeves of my dress until there were no more tears left to cry. This dress, filled with memories, doesn't hold a trace of everyday life.

Two sets of clothes. Two separate purposes. Today I got three compliments on my bargain dress. No one noticed my white dress. In my bargain dress I felt "cute". In my white dress I felt beautiful and divine and loved. When I wear my white dress my aches are comforted, my joys are heightened, my peace is beyond understanding.

It isn't the dress that does these things, it is the place and the purpose that I wear the dress for. Still, I can't help but make an association between the dress and the feelings. When I get done I wish I didn't have to put it away, but I won't let this dress mingle with ordinary life. I fold it up neatly and set it aside to wait for me until another day. Then I open my locker and put my holey shoes back on.

I never wanted to be Cinderella. I prefer a stronger image of femininity. But I realized that today I was like Cinderella in a good way. I went to the temple today. I went to meet The Prince. I couldn't go in my old rags. I had to change into the most beautiful dress of all. It was a very simple dress, but it was meant for a queen. That dress has made all the difference because it helped me understand my true worth. When I left the Palace I was wearing my old clothes, and no one who saw me knew who I really was. Only - a little of the glory stays with me, like Cinderella, who kept one glass slipper even though everything else turned back into rags. She was never the same again.