Outstanding Debts

If my ex and I had a good relationship, we would still be together. So it is no big surprise that things between us are still turbulent sometimes. Recently he pulled an extremely frustrating stunt. I wish I could say it didn't affect me. If I was stronger it wouldn't. But I was angry. It hurt our children and when it comes to them I am definitely a mama bear. For a few days I kept thinking "it just doesn't pay to be nice to this man. Forget it." Then I would think of all the cooperative things I do that I was now going to quit doing. I know, I was off track.

Two things finally helped me. One was just realizing that having two vindictive parents is worse for my children than having one vindictive parent. I don't want to get foggy about what is really important here. My children are innocent victims in this divorce. I don't need to be arming them for battle.

The second thing was the scripture that says, "vengeance is mine". Justice hates to have outstanding debts. When something unjust happens, justice is just there waiting (sometimes very patiently, but waiting nonetheless) to collect on the debt. But if I do something to get vengeance then justice figures that the debt has been paid and it lets the issue go. Justice is far better at collecting payment for injustice than I could ever be. I would much rather forgive and let it go and leave justice with an outstanding debt. Of course mercy could come along and pay the debt instead of justice. But I've been the beneficiary of mercy way too often to deny that to someone else, so either way it is a win/win situation for me.

Backbone

Today I was thinking about when I first separated from my husband. It was very traumatic. I remember feeling like my guts were going to fall out. One of the worst times was the first weekend that my husband took my children for his visitation. I am a mother of young children. My life up to that point had centered around them in many ways. I was rarely away from them. They were rarely away from me. Their father had never been very involved with them. I used to stress out about leaving them with him for even a few hours. So that first weekend was extremely difficult.

I tried to keep busy and not let the worry take over, but it was hard. I forced myself to go to our city festival so I didn't wallow in misery. I remember feeling like I was going to fall apart while I was there. I kept seeing all these happy, intact families and it was all I could do to fight back the tears. My children should have been there with me. I should have a sweetheart by my side. I wondered what I was even doing there. I wanted to run away from everyone and everything. My mind was screaming, "I can't make it through this!"

Just about then, in the depth of my loneliness and despair, I felt someone put their arm around my waist and comfort and strengthen me. I was so relieved to feel this strong arm against my back - but no one was there. At least I didn't see anyone. But the feeling I had helped me immensely. I stood up a little taller, the tears that were choking my throat dissipated, peace and calm filled my heart. I knew beyond any question that I was not alone. I knew that my Savior knew what I was going through. I knew that He would be my backbone when I felt like jello. And He was. I am amazed at how much I was able to deal with because of His help. The pain and the misery I went through never got beyond what I could handle. I learned I could handle a lot more than I thought I could. And each time I really needed help it came. After that I felt that arm around me a lot. I miss that feeling now. I guess I don't need it as much, but I still want it. I'm going to try to figure out how to get it back.

The heavy stuff always settles to the bottom

Today was just crazy. I can't believe so many things could go wrong in one day. Just getting all my children to church looking presentable was a challenge, but we did make it. Everyone even had shoes on. At church they all wanted to sit right on top of me. They fought about that until I began to feel like I was in the middle of a dog pile. Then as the sacrament hymn was playing our priests made the discovery that someone had forgotten to bring the bread. No joke.

So after the sacrament song ended instead of passing the sacrament we went straight to the youth speakers while someone went and got bread. When the bread arrived the priests prepared it in silence. I realized how changing things a bit makes you think of it on a deeper level. It was great to contemplate the meaning of the sacrament and the sacrifice of my Savior in the silence. I love the sacrament.

But I didn't have too long to contemplate because about then I looked at my daughter and she was writing messages on her leg in three inch letters. Aaaghh! My youngest child, who won the right to sit on my lap, just couldn't sit still. Especially during the songs. I was singing with my own special vibrato because this child kept knocking the air out of me. The people in front of me must have wondered why I kept belting out phrases every now and then.

After struggling through most of sacrament meeting my little one finally fell asleep on my lap at the end of the closing song. "Great! Now what am I going to do with him?" I thought. I was still sitting there thinking about my options when suddenly I felt something warm on my legs. NO! No wonder he couldn't sit still! He needed a potty break! So what is the best way to carry a sleeping child out of the building, hauling an armload of quiet books, all while hiding the fact that my dress has just been peed on? Somehow I made it out without attracting too much attention. I got the child bathed and changed my clothes and got back to church before the end of Sunday School. Phew! The rest of church wasn't too bad.

But then our home teachers came over. Normally this is the signal for my children to act like raving maniacs. I don't know why they choose to bestow this honor on our home teachers. If they did it for someone who knew us better it wouldn't be so bad. Our home teachers are elderly men (I have to have high priests for home teachers since I am single) who have raised their children and aren't used to dealing with children very often. They are awesome and I love them very much, so I'm not meaning to be critical of them, I am just extra sensitive about my children's behavior around them. I am probably creating some sort of horrid self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate those. Today's home teaching felt a lot like a three ring circus. I just kept thinking to myself, "Remember what is important here. How would Jesus see this? How would He respond to these children." I didn't come up with any brilliant ideas of how to handle the children, but at least I calmed myself down and kept a positive attitude. Maybe something will come to me later.

After the home teachers left I decided to take my children for a walk so they could burn off some of their energy. I still remember the rowdy wrestling matches that happened between my brothers nearly every Sunday because they were stuck inside all day. I wanted to avoid repeating that family tradition if possible.

On the walk I let my children talk me into going the long way instead of the short way. When we got to the place where we turn around to head back they wanted to play for a little while. They ran around and chased each other and then just when we were about to go back home, Addison somehow cut her toe and blood was dripping out everywhere. Of all the children for this to happen to she is the most dramatic. She screamed and cried like her toe had been cut off. I just knew the neighbors around were going to call 911. It wasn't that bad of a cut, but she couldn't very well walk home that way either. It needed to be cleaned up and bandaged.

So I picked her up in my arms and gathered the others and we started the trek home. It was far getting from home to where we were now, but suddenly it had become at least three times as far to get back home again. On top of that, when my youngest realized that someone else was getting carried and he had to walk, he promptly sat down by the side of the road and refused to go any further. Lauren offered to give him a piggy back ride but if mom couldn't carry him he was just going to sit by the side of the road forever. Addison was still crying in my arms (of course). I was thinking "why do I do this? I am not going on a Sunday walk alone with all these children again."

Suddenly I saw what looked very much like a knight in shining armor. My sixteen year old rode up on his bike. I put my daughter on the handle bars and sent them off ahead. Well, they didn't get very far ahead. They rode a few feet, stopped to readjust, rode a few more feet, stopped to readjust. Still it was going okay, Addison quit crying and was giggling. But then on the third readjustment, something went wrong. My son gave Addison a little push to help her get in a more upright position and Addison was already off balance and went face first right off the bike onto the pavement. Luckily she didn't get hurt from the fall off the handlebars. But the wailing started up again. So I took her in my arms again. By carrying her a ways and then stopping to encourage my stubborn, still crying, little four year old to come along we inched our way toward home.

As soon as Addison got hurt Savannah had taken off running for home to get help from our next door neighbors. She didn't walk, she ran - the whole way. She was just like an ambulance. I was so proud of her. We hadn't made it very far before she was back with help. Our awesome neighbors drove us safely home and all was well again. Really I was kind of glad for the accident. With the exception of the youngest, it brought out the best in my children. They were so sweet and loving and helpful to each other. It was nice to see their angelic side after the day we had today.

Teenagers

I just got done talking with my sixteen year old. He is such an amazing boy. You hear all the horror stories about teenagers and its pretty scary, especially as a single mother. But so far things are going pretty well. Tonight he was telling me about how much he felt the spirit when he was singing a hymn. We had a great discussion about our favorite hymns. He told me he was going to be more diligent about his scripture study and prayers. Yes! And I didn't even have to lecture or nag!

Blessing # 585,789

This spring I found out that I was accepted to my top choice graduate school. That was back at blessing # 555,201. The program is hard to get into. But with that hurdle crossed, I knew things would work out so that I could afford to go, I've just been waiting to find out how. Today I was notified that I have been awarded a full tuition scholarship for one year!!! This makes blessing #585,789, not counting all the blessings I forgot.

Grace

My kids are with their dad for the next two weeks. He gets them for four weeks all together during the summer. This time I get visitation with them, the next time I won't see them at all for the whole two weeks. That's so he can take them on vacation or something like that. I get two weeks without him having visitation so I can take them on vacation too. Anyway, last night was my mid-week visit with them. I get to take them for three hours - have dinner, play around a little, whatever.

One of the hardest things on kids going through a divorce is the transition from one parent to another. After my kids have been with their dad they are always more irritable, grumpy, whiny, cry more, and mostly - fight more. Last night when I was driving them back to meet their dad they started fighting really bad in the car. I tried all the things that normally work to stop fights but nothing was working. They were just getting more and more upset, loud, and angry. It was getting to the point that someone was going to get hurt. I had to do something, but I had run out of ideas of what to do so I just started to pray out loud for help.

I don't think anyone in the car heard me because they were crying and yelling so much. But after I finished they quieted down for a few seconds. I think they would have resumed fighting again except Savannah apologized to my youngest daughter Addison and told her that she was wrong for saying mean things and what she said wasn't true. It was amazing! It might not sound like much to you but, believe me, it was a miracle. At first Addie didn't accept the apology, but Savannah said something else kind! Then Addi said she was sorry too. Then there was just this awesome spirit of peace and calm in the car.

We had enough time to stop by the library before I dropped them off and when we went into the library Addie and Savannah were telling each other how much they loved each other and they helped each other pick out books. The others were also happy and peaceful. Wow! I was so grateful for prayer and Heavenly help. I could never get through this life without that.

Sponges

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships, romantic relationships. We have been talking about relationships in one of my classes. I have a friend who is madly searching for Mr. Right and she is constantly talking about relationships. My ex-husband just got remarried. I am trying to figure out how I feel about getting into a new relationship. So it is on my mind.

Here is what I was taught by a really great professor. She said that when people get out of a relationship where they were mistreated, they are like a dry sponge. If anyone gives them the least bit of kindness they are going to just soak it up and come back for more. But that isn't going to work because that kind of neediness can't be fixed by someone else. She said you have to make sure that you are the only one who is wetting your sponge. Only you and God can give yourself the kind of validation that lasts. Then when you are stronger and don't need someone else, you can get into a relationship with another person who isn't needy either and have a real partnership. Until then any relationship you get into will be imbalanced and unhealthy because you will be sponging off the other person emotionally. And people who like to be sponged off of usually don't make the best partners.

The other cool thing I"ve learned is that love is built on two pillars - trust and respect. That isn't what we usually think of when we think of love. But real love can't exist without both. When you don't have trust and respect you have a counterfeit for love. The counterfeit is need. Neediness is what causes people to get into and stay in abusive relationships.

So I guess the moral is that in order to have good relationships, you have to start with the relationship you have with yourself and with God. Make a habit of thinking positively about yourself and believe in yourself. Develop talents and hobbies, face your fears, serve others, develop your spirituality, and most importantly - develop a personal relationship with God. Then, when you are ready to start a relationship, find someone that you can trust and respect. There, I've soap boxed it enough for one day.

Tranquility

Tonight I went up into the canyon with my kids for a cook-out. It was really fun. The place we go isn't far from our house, but it's far enough to feel like you're in the mountains. There is a little stream that runs through it and tall trees all around. I think the birds sing more beautifully there too, or at least they are easier to notice. I've been there a lot in the past two years. It's been my retreat. When things got too painful I would just load everybody up and drive up there. I always came back feeling better. The kids did too. Being up in the mountains has a way of soothing the ache. It ached so much sometimes. You know how you feel when you get the air knocked out of you and you can't breathe for a minute? That was how I felt almost all the time. Well, tonight I was thinking about all this and suddenly I realized that the ache was gone. I just felt whole inside. For the first time in a long time I wasn't in the canyon for reprieve from the pain, I was just there for fun. It makes me think that there is something to what they say. . . it takes two years to get over a divorce. It will be two years at the beginning of July. (My personal independence day.) More and more now the storms in my soul are clearing up and I just feel peace. Its a nice feeling.

BOOM! BANG! turns into fizzle... pip...

I was driving home tonight when suddenly I realized it was the one year anniversary of my divorce being finalized. It was kind of a shocking thing to realize. It's really been a whole year since that last, stressful, eight hour battle in the mediator's office! Just today I had been grieving a little over my lost dreams. I had such high hopes for a happy, eternal marriage and it's been hard to see those dreams dissolve. But when I realized it was my anti-versary I knew I needed to celebrate. It's not like getting divorced is fun or good but I could not let my personal independence day pass quietly.

In some ways I think getting divorced was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. After the divorce finalized I heard a song that started with a crowd cheering. I replayed that one little cheering part over and over again imagining that all those people were cheering with me. Tears of joy streamed down my face to think of all the miracles that had taken place to get me where I was now and how strong I had been to make it.

Yes, this anti-versary called for a celebration. I decided to go buy fireworks and light them off. I had a great time at the store. I bought fireworks, then I bought myself a bouquet of flowers. I sang out loud and didn't even care that fellow shoppers were staring at me curiously. When I finally got done shopping it was nearly 11:00 p.m. And since I live in a quiet neighborhood, I lost my nerve to light the fireworks off alone. (My kids are still with their dad.) So I called a good friend and she agreed to meet up with me. Thank goodness for friends!

The sad thing is, actually lighting off the fireworks wasn't nearly as good as buying them and anticipating them. I told my friend that it was anti-climatic. She said, "Well, that's the way divorce is." Hmmm. . . I guess she's right. So it was probably appropriate to celebrate with let-down fireworks.

All in all, it was a confusing, complex, mood-saturated celebration. I think I'll do it again next year.