I Can Believe Anything Provided it is Incredible

(OK Jendalyn, this is for you :)) I have been so busy lately that I've been horrible about keeping up with my blog. My life feels like I have been caught up in a rushing river and I am just trying to hang on to the raft and enjoy the ride. But at least I feel like I am floating instead of drowning, right? White water river rafting can be a huge rush! The rush part of the ride is definitely being with Raoul.

When I am with him it feels like this dream world. He is so thoughtful and respectful. He hasn't kissed me yet, although he sometimes hints that he would like to. We hold hands and that is about it. The other night when we were together I realized that for the first time I was with a guy who was more interested in me than he was in my body. We talk almost every night on the phone for hours. We talk a lot when we are together too. He has a great sense of humor and he always makes me laugh. He sings to me, edits my papers, listens to me, buys things for me, fixes all kinds of stuff for me, (my car, my computer, my cell phone, etc.) He is the most amazing person. Sometimes I feel like I have to touch him just to make sure he isn't a figment of my imagination.

I took a class from an amazing woman once. She had a lot to say about how to choose a spouse. She used a three degrees of glory model to explain it. (I highly recommend listening to the talk in this link) She said that we don't skip over levels in the three degrees of glory. It's impossible. You don't have someone who is telestial (the natural man, looking for immediate gratification and trying to fill their appetite, liers, cheaters, angry, violent, etc.) who suddenly becomes celestial, although they can make it appear that way. (I can vouch for that with the Phantom.) In order for a person to become celestial they first have to progress through the other levels. So that is why when you are looking for a spouse you need to look for someone who is solidly terrestrial. Because a terrestrial person isn't selfish and self-centered. They have learned to harness the natural man. A terrestrial person is obedient to the commandments, follows rules and has discipline and self-control. It is someone who pays bills on time, exercises, can delay gratification, etc. This kind of behavior creates a safety net. It can't be faked. And it is the building block to becoming celestial. Anyway, Raoul is solidly terrestrial.

But I still get soo scared. It is hard to believe that someone so amazing will really like me. When I am with him I am floating on a cloud, but when I am alone to think about it I go into a panic. I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't know how he could ever manage the chaos that comes with having five children. I don't want to get hurt. I don't think I'm good enough for him.

It is really painful when I panic like that because I like him so much and I want to flee from him at the same time. The only thing I know of to do at times like that is to pray. Then when I pray I am filled with peace. I don't know where things will end up for me and Raoul. But I know that for right now being with him is good. I keep getting that reassurance in my prayers.